Witchy Wonderings

Quitting?

2006-07-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'm even going to try keeping this up anymore. I'm just not feeling it for the past month or two, as my lack of posting has shown. I'm not going to delete the blog, because I like having it around, but I don't think I'm going to post anymore.

I'm sorry to all of my readers, if I start up again I will let you know. Just leave a comment here with your email address if you'd like to be notified if and when I start back up again. If I do, I imagine it will be at a new address and probably alot more anonymous.

Also, I'm sorry to whoever gets my blog for review from it2m. I know it's shitty when people submit their blogs and then close them down, so I'll send in a request to be taken off the list. But in case it doesn't work that way, please accept my apologies, everyone.

Update

2006-07-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Just an update. The kid was SERIOUSLY sick and his stupid ass mother took him on vacation with her because she "really needed a break and there will be people who can watch him."

Well, after self diagnosing and giving him antibiotics, she finally took him to the childrens hospital on Thursday (a week after his symptoms showed up). The kid has bacterial menengitis! For a fucking week! They told her that he'll be in the hospital for at least 2 weeks, and they have no idea how or if he will pull through. I can't even imagine what it would be like for this poor kid if he ends up paralyzed or mentally damaged because of his mothers ignorance and neglect. It's disgusting. He is already mentally 1 year old, what will he be like if he is mentally damaged? It's truly horrifying.

It's been almost a week now that he's been in the hospital, and I haven't heard anything. I am just sick over this.

Awwww...

2006-07-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd share a little project I made.

FOAD Saturday

2006-07-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

So, two Mondays ago, we dropped the girls off at Kathy's house for her week visitation. The next evening, she calls me on my cell to tell me that her boyfriend's step-mom died, and they have to fly out to Indiana for the funeral and to help his dad out. Ok, no problem. They can't afford plane tickets for the girls, so can we take them? Sure, no problem at all. She tells me they will definately be home on Monday, so they can take the girls then. I told her this is no problem, but please make sure you're on time because this is screwing with our vacation plans. She says they will DEFINATELY be home Monday.

Well, Monday came and went. I dug up the phone number of her neighbor only to find out that she is flying in Wednesday at nearly midnight. Now, let me be very clear. Us taking the girls for a few extra days is NO PROBLEM. Really, if she needed us to take them for an extra year, we would not object to that at all. But the bitch didn't even call us. For all she knew, we were sitting around watching the news to find out if her plane crashed or some shit. The girls were hysterical wondering where she was, we had no idea if she died, was abandoning them, or was just being the inconsiderate bitch that she always is. Once I got ahold of the neighbor, we knew it was the latter.

So Thursday afternoon she calls, wanting me to feel sorry for her because she's had a long week. I tell her we've had a long week too, what with us not knowing if she was coming home or not.

Her response? "I didn't know we'd be staying longer!"

Stop. Did she seriously just say that? I told her "You knew on Monday that you weren't coming home."

And her intelligent, well thought-out reasoning? "Oh, I'm sorry."

Later, she calls me and starts giving me a guilt trip because she didn't get any school pictures of the girls this year. This is when I had to politely remind her that she is the one who threw away the order form without telling me it even came because she couldn't afford pictures. So I told her she was shit out of luck, and that if she wanted pictures of them, she could jog her happy ass to the mall and have a set done just like we had to. So she says, "Well, I really wanted some 8x10's." To which I replied, "Well, I think that package is pretty expensive, so you'll have to save up."

Click. Stupid bitch needs to stop calling me.

More bitching

2006-07-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry I'm slacking on the blogging again. I am really starting to suck at this. Work has been absolutely exhausting lately. We have only had one kid for a week now, and he is a grand total of about an hours worth of work stretched out in a four hour day. The other three hours? I'm sitting on my ass reading a book and watching Nemo. There isn't even anything left to clean. Only two days left though, and then I'll be bitching about my need for a summer job. I spent today making his breakfast and lunch menu for the rest of the week, so I won't even have that to do tomorow.

Anyway, if you want to see me writing, go on over to Did I Say That?, where I just made moderator. I am so happy for me.

FOAD Thursday

2006-07-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is wrong with people?

This morning, I got to work to find out one of the kids in my class is running a fever. Now, every parent has overlooked a sneaky illness in their kids for a few minutes, and mornings can be seriously hecktic. Triple this when your kid is non communicative. We've sent sick kids home several times because it's hard to tell when they are sick sometimes, and it's totally forgivable once in a while.

The difference here is that the mother KNEW he was running a fever of 101! She even wrote in the journal that he was hot all night, but she thought "it was because he was under the blankets all night." On what planet will heavy blankets raise your internal temprature to 101? Seriously? And when I saw this poor kid, I could tell imediately that he was seriously sick. His cry was wrong, his face was pale, and he wasn't even fighting his restraints that he has to wear on the bus.

The second we finally coaxed him into the classroom, he fell dead asleep on the bean bag. This kid does not sleep. He is always running around, pulling hair, screaming, knocking things over, anything but sleeping. He even slept through his feedings. (He is tube fed) He slept the entire 4 hour day, barely waking when we changed his diaper. If she doesn't keep him home tomorow, I just might freak out. Seriously, how can you not know that your own child is THAT sick!?

Job Duties

2006-07-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

There was a question posted on my favorite advise blog tonight that really got me thinking. I didn't want to get all philosophical and shit in the comments, so I thought I would expand here.

The question asker has a friend dying of cancer, her third close death from cancer in only a few years. While this woman is fully willing to be there for her friend until the very end, she is struggling with thoughts of "how can I go through this again?" I can't imagine how hard this must be for her, and I certainly can't pretend to imagine what her friend is going through, so I'm not here to pass judgement on her hidden feelings. I imagine I would probably have them too.

My theory is that fate hands us all job duties in life. Perhaps it's karma to be worked off, or perhaps it's just that we're chosen because we're so damn good at it. It seems that one of my job duties in life is to comfort the sick and dying. My draw to working with severely handicaped children is one clue, as is my desire to become involved in the foster care system. The big one for me lately though, is the 4 kittens that died on us this year. I found myself asking many times why we let ourselved do this. Many people would have simply taken them to the pound or to a vet and dropped them off, and I wouldn't think poorly of them. But I couldn't do that. Three of the four I held until they took their last breaths. Why were these dying kittens sent to me? Why have I had 5 litters come to me in the past 3 years?

Because it's my job, that's why. Because if it weren't for me, all 7 of them would have died, and they would have died cold and hungry. Because of me, those kittens felt love, and full stomachs, and warmth. Because of the homes we found for the survivors, there is just a little bit more love in the world. Because of the ones that died in my home, my step-daughters know about death. They know that sometimes death comes no matter how hard you try to stop it, and that it's not always a bad thing. If my job description says that I have to hold a hundred kittens while they die so that they can feel love and food and warmth for a few hours, then I'll do it. It will be hard, but I'll do it.

I'm a gross pig

2006-07-04T20:02:00.000-07:00

So today I woke up from my NyQuil induced sleep at 7 'o-fucking-clock and checked my email and shit. At 8, I went back to bed and slept until 3. It was awesome. I woke up feeling almost human, and decided to go grocery shopping. The fucking floral dept got my sinuses draining like a faucet, and I had to open a box of Kleenex. Do you have any idea how sexy I felt walking through the store blowing my nose and storing it in my purse? DISGUSTING! Tomorow I'm going to survive on sudafed so I can get through work. How could one head make this much snot?

Happy 4th!

2006-07-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

Happy Fourth of July everyone! I'm still full of snot, but I'm sure I'll be back with something to bitch about tomorow!

Blah

2006-07-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

I'm sick. I have to work tomorow. I'm a little depressed. Chris is pissing me off. The girls are still breathing. Zeebo won't get the fuck off of me. I'm totally not blogging tonight. Need. Nyquil.

GRRR!!!

2006-06-29T18:23:00.000-07:00

A year ago my mom took in a 15 year old girl as a foster child. She is a friend of my sisters who got into some trouble after her parents got busted selling drugs, and she ran away. She was eventually caught and put in a really horrible group home. So, my mom took her in and things were great.

Well, she was sent back to her parents just last week. She didn't fight it like she did at her 6 month hearing, which was strange but we just figured she had resigned herself to the fact that the courts were going to send her back anyway so she might as well not make waves.

Three days ago, she and my sister went to Vegas to spend a few days with a guy friend and his parents for a mini vacation. No big deal, her mom even went with her. Small vacations are pretty common since we live in such a small town. This male friend and her had been talking about dating when she turns 18 and graduates high school. None of us were worried though, because she developed a GREAT relationship with my whole family, and we all saw her as a really smart, reasonable 16 year old girl, and the male friend has been burned by underage girls and knows better.

Well, we were all fucking wrong. They got married and are currently on their way to Canada. Her stupid ass mother signed the papers to consent to the marriage and get her passport. Her dad is going to flip the fuck out over this, and her mom is probably going to be physically thrown out the door if she's lucky to make it that far. In the meantime, my mom is home by herself crying because she's been lied to for the past 8 months about this whole engagement scheme. She feels like she is too unimportant to be in on the whole deal even though she agrees that the dad is a piece of shit and she even acctually suggested that they do that several months ago (jokingly, but still.)

I am so pissed at these two. Not only for being idiots, but for lying to my mom and making her feel like shit. If nothing else, they owe her an apology. I'm trying to cool off before I write her a strongly worded email. Am I overreacting? Is this none of my business? My whole thing is that my mom opened her heart and her home to this girl, only for her to lie and throw it all away. Who the hell even knows if she can finish high school now? I guess it's just normal 16 year old stupid drama bullshit, but I really thought she was smarter than that. I feel like I've been lied to because I believed she was what she claimed to be.

Poor mans vacation

2006-06-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

So after this week, I have two weeks left of summer school until I'm off work for the summer. The first week I'm off we will be without the kids. That gives us 7 days by ourselves with no kids and no responsibility. Normally, this would mean Vegas, but we are broker than broke. This was depressing me because we usually squeeze in some sort of vacation every summer, even if it's just a couple of nights.

Then an idea came to me. Who needs money when you have a minivan? We are going to drive west until we hit water, in the general direction of Pismo Beach. Once we hit Pismo, we'll be on the Pacific Coast Highway, and everything north and south of us is pretty much beach. We will put the pull-out couch matress in the back, pack a cooler full of food, and camp out wherever we can find somewhere that won't get us arrested. I figure we can stay gone for about 3 nights before we are dying for a bed.

So, come the 17th of July, we will be gone, traveling like true hippies in a soccermom van. We'll have gas, loud music, and sand. All together I figure the whole venture will cost us about $100, and I can make that up babysitting if I need to. I have never been more excited about a vacation in my life.

HPV rant

2006-06-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

There is a debate running around the medical/religious communities about a vaccine for HPV (human papillomavirus), the virus that causes nearly all cases of cervical cancer in this country. (Google HPV for more info) The debate goes like this:

This vaccine would virtually wipe out cervical cancer in our country. If it were made a mandatory vaccine for girls ages 9-13 (I'd shoot for younger), then to our childrens children, cervical cancer would be as obscure as Polio is today. It would virtually be gone. (There are unexplained cases of cervical cancer where HPV was never detected, as mine was, but the main thought on this in cases of sexually active women is that by the time the precancerous cells were detected, the virus was gone.)

The against side of this generally holds one of two thoughts. 1) Giving children a vaccine that protects against a sexually transmitted disease is like giving them a free ticket to have unprotected sex. Now, first of all, what does everyone think the HepB vaccine is for? Heppatitis is transferred through bodily fluid exchange. Second, HPV is not transmitted through fluids, it's transfered through skin to skin contact. In other words, a condom won't always protect you.

2) The vaccine should not be mandatory. These are generally the people who don't think any vaccines should be mandatory, and I respect their right to feel that way, especially with recent evidence of mercury in vaccines contributing to the rising autism rates. But, if it weren't for vaccines, we would still be fighting many deadly diseases that are now of the past. Polio and small pox are two that come to mind right away. These parents have the choice to deny vaccinations if they would like to keep their children out of public schools. A hard choice to make, but in my mind it is worth it if it stops an epidemic.

If you couldn't tell, I am a strong supporter of the HPV vaccine. HPV is a huge array of viruses all related. Here are a few stats: "An estimated 20 million women and men in the United States are infected with HPV but, for most, the virus shows no symptoms and goes away on its own. Cervical cancer is the second most common malignant disease in women globally, causing an estimated 290,000 deaths worldwide each year. In the United States, some 10,400 new cases will be diagnosed this year, and 3,700 women will die from the disease."

Now, how can we ignore that? 290,000 yearly worldwide is a HUGE number of dead women who could still be alive because of a damn shot! If this shot were available when I was a girl, I would have to sit here and wonder if I can concieve and carry a child. If it was available when I was a girl, I wouldn't carry the label of "cancer survivor" right now. Sure, it's a great thing to be a survivor, but what 19 year old girl wants her first pap smear to show cancer? If I can save my daughters from going through this, then I will beg borrow and steal to make it happen. This is not a vaccine against an STD, it's a vaccine against cancer.

New song of the moment

2006-06-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

I have found a new favorite song of the moment. I have always said that in my past life, I died of an overdose at Woodstock in the middle of a three-way kiss. This song sums up my feelings beautifully.

Carpet sucks.

2006-06-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

I had no idea carpeting was such a huge pain in the ass. There really wasn't anything horribly difficult about it, but by the time we were done, we were exhausted. The painting I've done before. Moving everything I think was the worst. When painting, you can just sort of shift everything back and forth, but to carpet we had to move everything out of our living room because we had to replace the padding too. Did I mention that our carpet was laid in 1987, and it was used? Yeah, it was thrashed. The padding was little more than dust in the high traffic spots.

The biggest obsticle was when we got all of the carpet up. You see, about 4-5 months ago, my father in law (whom we rent this house from) had a friend who offered him some free carpet. This friend owns some senior apartments, and between renters they are required to change all carpeting. They told my FIL that the carpet was only 3 months old, and basically in perfect condition. But, because it was lived on, it had to be torn up. So he jumped at it and brought home a whole truckload of nearly brand new carpet.

So, we painted the living room and ripped up the old carpet. Then we pulled out the new stuff and laid it on the lawn to measure out. It was disgusting. There were spots completely saturated with urine, cigarette burns everywhere, some mysterious black spots that went into the 6' square range, just completely unuseable. The in-laws had to go get some new shit. It's not bad carpet at all, acctually it's pretty damn nice, but still. They didn't go into this venture to spend $300 on carpet when they are already overdrawn on all of their cards.

Anyway, on to more interesting news, it appears that, despite my clear intentions, we have a new member of the family. Pictures of Zeebo will be posted as soon as I find the cord to my camera. She was the only one not able to be adopted as she was still skinny and eating soft food, so she was supposed to stick around for another week or so before finding a home. That was about the time she got a name. Once they're named, it's all over. She is a little tiny all black female, and anyone who can tell me where the name Zeebo comes from will win a prize. (Aprox retail value of said prize will be $0.00 because I'm broke as shit, but I'll totally link to you.)

Edit: I forgot I had pictures on the computer already. Here she is!

Go do it.

2006-06-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

We will be painting and re-carpeting the living room for the next few days, so I don't know how long the computer will be out of commision. With the TV unplugged as well, I will have to acctually entertain myself from noon 'till bedtime for the entire time. Hopefully it won't be long. While I'm gone, show some love at my new hang-out place. They are some cool bitches, and they could use some more estrogen around there. There are like, 4 guys registered now and it's just stinking up the place.

Ok, ok. Guys can go too. But you better put on some damn deodorant first.

Google shit

2006-06-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

letting go of hate- Yes, let go of it. I also reccomend sending him a nasty email and ignoring any responses.

grand mahl seizures in animals- Need medication. Go to the vet.

password paypal megan- Um, I think you'll need better hacker skills than this.

dirty samantha- I am not!

justin witchy- I do not know any Justin, sorry.

witchy dollz- Are cute. Buy me one.

it-hurts-when-i-pee infection hurts sex- Get off google and go to the doctor. Oh, and stop sleeping around.

diaryland had anal sex- Um, ok...

p.s. you're not listening eleanor craig- Is a great book. Go get it.

i shaved my mother-in-law's pube- WTF? Get off my blog, sicko!

nursing dillema say or no to say- If you're ashamed to talk about nursing, you've got much bigger problems coming.

handle asshole customers pharmacy- Slip some xanax in their ulcer medicine.

my child was innapropriately touched by another child- Get thee off Google and to the police, asshole!

This and That

2006-06-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I owe you guys an update.

The remaining kittens are doing fine. We lost another one suddenly this morning. She was one of the ones we were worried about, really skinny and no energy, but she started getting better like crazy. She was feeding by herself, gaining weight, and playing like mad. (We had to stop her many times because the rest of them were too rough) Well, last night everybody discovered the dishwasher, and how fun it is to run underneath it. We decided that the next time they were all out, we would block it off. This morning she was still there, and we were unsuccessful in coaxing her out, but we knew she was there because she was crying. I got Chris up and he pulled the fridge out so I could get back there, and she was dead. Not more than a half hour after she was crying. We think either she overheated or she got into something underneath and poisoned herself.

So, we started with 5, then went down to 4, then up to 6, then down to 5, and now we're down to 4 again. Three of them are all furry and fat and cute and shit, so they get homes this Friday. The remaining skinny one is doing GREAT, but she's still dependant on soft food, so we'll keep her until she's crunching.

The girls are doing well. Megan is giving us a bit of a scare because the test this morning showed that her liver numbers are going up, so she has to go off of her ADHD meds for a while to find out if that is the reason. This will not be fun, but hopefully she can be back on something before school starts. She didn't get a single C all year, and I would hate to throw her in to middle school in September without her medicine. But, obviously, her health is the #1 priority.

Work is great. I got the summer school position, so starting next Monday I'll be working for 4 weeks. Money Money Money!

Oooh! We are working on digging out our last storage shed, and guess what I FINALLY found! My grandfathers WWII Germany camera! Oh, I was so relieved when I found it intact! The outer case is in horrible condition, but everything inside is still perfect! I'm going to take a bunch of pictures of it and do some research to see what it's acctually worth (not that I'd sell it, just for curiosity) and see if I can learn half of the doohickeys and diglehoppers on it to run a roll of film through it. If I could learn how to use it, I could take some awesome pictures, and I know my grandfather would be proud.

Other than that, life has been pretty uneventful. We're going to the lake alot now that it's hot out. We're also spending alot of time fixing up the property to see if it sells. The kittens are constantly underfoot, but soooooo cute. Chris is Chris. I'm spending less and less time online lately, which is good, but I miss my old blog and IM friends. Maybe someday I'll get back in the swing of things!

I'm alive, I swear!

2006-06-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I suck. Don't worry though, nothing horrible has happened, and I haven't forgotten all of my blogfriends! Lately, I just haven't felt like it. I keep thinking, "I need to blog, it's been too long." But then I just get distracted and end up putting it off until it's been 2 damn weeks. I really don't know if I even want to keep going, but I'm not going to officially quit just in case I get motivated to start again.

I'll try to get in here tonight and give a proper update. Right now I'm on my way to take Megan to the Doctors office to get some blood sucked. MWAHAHAHA!!!! Nothing bad, we hope. The last one showed some strange levels, and they want to check it out. Hopefull it's no big deal, we're really not worried. Anyway, proper update coming soon!

My job is easy, really.

2006-05-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

A funny thing has been happening since I started this job at the school. I constantly get people patting me on the back, telling me that they could never handle what I do, or that most people would never attempt such a difficult position. Maybe it's true that this type of work isn't for everyone, but I really don't see why. These are the most amazing kids I have ever met in my life. Everyday when I go to work, I know exactly what to expect. Not that everyday is the same, far from it, but I know that I don't have to worry about one of my kids bringing a gun to school, or stashing drugs in their pockets, or plotting revenge behind my back. General ed kids scare the crap out of me, and I hold such a huge admirition for those who can work with them. Working with the elderly makes me want to rip my hair out. Working with the general public makes me shake all over.

But these kids? Piece of cake. I know that every day I will have to change diapers. Sure, the diaper is on a 10 year old who weighs about 50 lbs., but I know what is coming. I know that I have to watch out for the autistic boy who likes to bite and grab hair, but I know his signs and how to stop him. I know that the Downs boy will flip me off if I discipline him, and I know how to react when he does so that it doesn't turn into a problem. I know that the ADHD girl will tell me anything in order to get out of going to her mainstreaming class, and I know all of her tricks and how to counter them.

I also know that when I see one of my kids on the street, it will be the highlight of their day, not an embarasment or a worry that I will tell their parents about the dirty picture they scratched into the desk because they DON'T DO THOSE THINGS! I know that the emotions they convey are real. I know that they don't pretend to like me for a grade, and they don't pretend to hate me to save face. I know that they are REAL. They are real in a way that none of us will ever be able to achieve.

New job

2006-05-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

Life is busy today. I am working all this week and next week at school, and I took on another job doing respite care for one of the students. He is 10 years old physically, but mentally around 1. That means that he is a 1 year old who can walk and run and bite and pull hair, but I know him and his behavior from school, so I know how to deal with him pretty well. The most challenging part is the fact that he's tube fed, but that's really not that difficult as long as I'm on my toes to keep him from swatting me away. His mother even walked me through what would happen and how to deal with it if his g-tube comes out, and it sounds like I could totally handle it.

Tonight will be my first night with him, and his grandmother will be there in case I can't find something, can't remember something, have a question, etc. I think this will be good. And at almost $9 an hour for basically babysitting, I think it will be really good. The only problem is that this means I'll be working a 9 hour day today, something I haven't done in over 2 years. I can handle it though. She wants me for 3 13 hour days in a row this July while she goes on vacation with her daughter. Her husband will be there during the night, but he works from 6am to 7pm so that will be my shift, plus on call all night in case he's called in to an emergency. That will be a bit more difficult, but I have 2 months to prepare. So, be ready for some crazy stories from my new job, this kid is incredibly unpredictable!

Failure

2006-05-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

I don't even know how to say this. I posted this on my kitten rescue site as well. Another of the kittens is dying as I type this. He basicaly stopped breathing almost 2 hours ago, but he is gulping down just enough air every 20 seconds or so to stay barely alive. This is the same thing that happened to the little girl. This afternoon, we thought we had kicked whatever was keeping his weight off. I ran out of formula, so I found a really good recipe online and started feeding it to everyone. He was suddenly full of more energy than I'd seen in days, and he started putting on body fat in a matter of half a day. Then, today I came home from work, just 3 hours after his last feeding, to find him laying on the bottom of their box, near death. That was almost 5 hours ago, and I don't know how he is still holding on. I pray that the end will come for him before I finish this sentence, but I'm afraid this may last a while longer.

His eyes are open, but seem blind. His mouth is open, presumably so he has an easier time with his sporatic breaths. His limbs are completely limp. He let go of his bowels and blatter, yet he is still with us somehow.

Chris feels that this is happening because of where they were born, inside a pile of car parts in my in-laws back shed. So many of those fluids cause cancer. Still, I feel like a failure. I have lost two of this litter now, and even though the other three are doing well, one of them is still thin. She is putting on weight like a champ, and I can barely tell her apart from her sister now, but I still feel like it's a lost cause. I go over every second of the time that they were here. Did I try to hard to wean them? They never went more than 6-7 hours between feedings, and even then, when they showed signs of a lack to strive, we went back to 3 hour feedings. Did they get chilled after a bath? They were covered in towels and snuggled with each other, that shouldn't be it.

I can't find anything I've done wrong, but I can't help but feel that this is a failure on my part. I am blinking his eyes for him, because I'm afraid they are drying out and becoming painful. I don't help him breathe because I don't want to prolong this anymore than it already is. When he was still breathing regularly, I tried to feed him, but he just choked on the formula, even a single drop, and I had to turn him upside down so he could spit it out. There is nothing left in his little body. All I can do is tell him that it's ok, that he can let go. I only wish he could.

FOAD

2006-05-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided that I'm going to attempt another weekly thing until I forget about it for so many weeks that there is no use in even trying. And, in true Witchy Wonderings form, I'm even going to start it on the wrong day.

Welcome to Fuck of and Die ~~Thursday~~ Monday!

We live in Chris' parents guest house. It's a cozy little two bed one bath, and yes, we acctually pay rent. Full rent for the time we moved in. The only reason they haven't raised it with the market is because we would throw a fucking fit.

Anyway, both houses are for sale right now. They can't afford their loan payments anymore, and if Chris' dad kicks the bucket, his mom will be left to live off of survivor benefits from his SSD, which will not work at all. So they are signed up with all of the local real estate agents to show both houses. The only limitations are that we must have 24 hours notice and no phone calls before 9am. WHY did we think that a single goddamned one of them would be able to read this shit?

Saturday morning, I got a phone call from one of the agents at 8:30am, asking me if I knew why the in-laws aren't answering their phone. I looked out the front door and saw that the windows were still closed, and told the ~~concerned~~ ~~hardworking~~ ~~eager~~ STUPID bitch that they are slepping. She then proceeds to tell me that there are people making the 3 hour drive from L.A. to see the houses at 10. And that woops! She knew about this a week ago and forgot to tell us.

Fire.

She tells me that the paperworks claims Chris has a key in case they are not home, so they can still get in and show the house. I tell her, yes, we do have a key, but that won't help because they are FUCKING ASLEEP! She pretends to be shocked that I could possibly get attitude with her, and says she'll call them again at 9. I inform her that she will not be able to show our house because we need 24 hours notice. I am raising 6 kittens in my living room, I have 2 kids, and it's FUCKING SATURDAY. The dishes aren't done, the floors aren't vacuumed, there is a pile of clean laundry on my couch the size of a full grown man, and strangers are NOT going to walk through my house!

She tried to complain to the in-laws, but they use worse language than I do. You'd think they would get it through their heads that PEOPLE LIVE HERE. People with lives and pets and kids and dishes.

So, to every real estate agent I've ever personally met, Fuck off and die.

RIP Little Girl

2006-05-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

For the past week and a half, my life has revolved around work and kittens, kittens and work. Today, one of the little girls passed. Everyone else seems healthy, although one of the boys isn't keeping weight on like I want him to. He is still eating alot though, and his energy levels are staying up.

Please, go and visit my kitten rescue site. If you can't help financially, even a link would be greatly appriciated.

Confession time

2006-05-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

So, I've been trying to hide this secret addiction I have. But, I just can't go on without saying that I am SO happy that Danielle won. Ok, so I really did like Jade, but she was such a fake bitch, there was no way she was going to win. If I've ever met a more insecure person in my life I can't remember them. But damn, she wanted it and she was good. Joanie was good, but I felt she was a bit one dimensional. I don't think she would have ever acctually gone anywhere beyond what she automatically won.

Ok, it's out of my system now. May we never speak of this again.

Such a follower

2006-05-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

Well, since everyone else is doing it, and you all KNOW I'm a follower, here are 6 things about me:

1. When I eat anything with chocolate coating, I have to eat the chocolate first, then the candy or cake inside. This includes everything from Reeses to Snickers, Little Debbies cakes to Ding Dongs. It drives my mother INSANE.

2. If I can't sleep at night, I watch Girl, Interrupted. It's one of my all time favorite movies, and although it's a bit disturbing, I sleep like a baby when it's on.

3. I am terrified of mosquito hawks. Yes, I know they kill mosquitos and that's really cool and shit, but they are freaking huge and they fly like they're drunk and dive bomb me. If I see one in my house, I will drop whatever I'm doing and hunt it down to kill it.

4. People have thought I was older than my real age ever since Chris and I became open about our relationship. Due to the coincidence in time, I am convinced it's because he's 10 years older than I am and I am raising his kids. Still, as I get older I can't help but be a bit insulted when people peg me as 10 years too old. The teacher I work under sarcastically said "What, people think you're over 35?" when I said this. She just about crawled under her desk when I told her I'm 26.

5. When I fall asleep, I have to be in a very specific position. I have to have Chris' pillow behind me, touching my back. I also have to have a pillow at my feet, and my body pillow. My body pillow is the part that Chris makes fun of me for. I have to have it between my legs, so that no part of my legs are touching each other. It also has to be between my arms and breasts, for the same reason. I don't know why, but I can't have skin touching skin when I go to sleep.

6. I wake up 2 hours before I leave for anywhere, even if it's just to take the girls to school. I end up with tons of spare time when I'm doing nothing, but if I have to rush in the morning my whole day is ruined.

Topic Request: Spirituality

2006-05-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

Erin has asked me to talk about my spirituality. A rundown of my religious history can be found here, so for a back story, you can read that. But it's kind of long, and I'm going to try to make it unneccesary to read in order to understand this post. Anyway, I'm already rambling.

My path is really muddled right now. I guess the best label would be agnostic witch. I am unclear on the concept of Divinity. I don't have anything against the idea of a personible Deity, but I have yet to form a concrete relationship with one. When I was first starting out in Wicca, I prayed to the God and Goddess on a daily basis, and while I feel that my prayers were heard, I was never clear on who or what was hearing them. Was it the sun and moon? Was it a Lord and Lady, with visible if not physical bodies? Was it the universe? I still don't know.

What I do know is that something heard me, and continues to hear me. When I burn sage, I can feel negativity leaving my surroundings. When I carry a tigers eye in my change purse, I can see the change last longer somehow. When I burn incense over a lost pet, I can feel the pain of their death leaving me. When I ask for emotional help, I can feel the burden ease. When I lay out my cards, I can feel knowledge and insight fill me.

I believe in the energies all around me and their ability to be manipulated according to my will, if the universe so sees fit. I believe in the power of positive thinking. I believe in love. I believe in Karma and reincarnation. I believe in living. I believe that the purpose of life is to live. I believe in protecting the nature that we have left and revering it. I believe in the power of stones, and colors, and scents and flavors. I believe in giving thanks to the earth when she gives me what I need.

I also believe in respecting the rights of other religions to pracice how they see fit, as long as they don't impeach on my rights. (Is impeach the right word?) I don't freak out when someone says Merry Christmas, but I feel honored and respected when they say Happy Holidays. I don't get offended when a local church holds a public retreat, but I get defensive when they question my reasons for not attending. I don't mind someone telling me that they found peace through Christ, as long as they don't tell me my problems could be solved through the same medium. I love to educate, but I hate to be preached to by someone who is uninvited. I talk about my religion only when asked, and I expect the same respect. Religion should not be dinner conversation, but it also shouldn't start fights.

Deciding

2006-05-14T22:13:00.000-07:00

I've always had trouble making desitions. When I was a kid, my mom would take me to Toys'R'Us and tell me I could pick a toy. Any toy within a certain price range. You'd think I would head straight to the Barbies or the board games, but no. I always had to look over the entire store looking for the perfect toy. I would narrow it down to a few, always in completely different departments, and mull over them for a while. Then I would gather all of them up and stress over what I wanted. Then my mom would get frustrated and tell me that I have to make a desition NOW.

That's when it would all fall apart. I would bust into tears and scream that I couldn't decide. My mom patiently worked with me, asking questions to help me decide, but I never could. I always left the store empty handed and hysterical, to have my mom go back and choose one of them for me as a surprise at a later date. Now, don't go hatin' on my mom for torturing me or anything, this would happen everywhere. If she let me have a candy bar at the gas station, the same thing would happen. Hell, I was in tears figuring out what to eat for lunch some days.

I still have this problem. If there is a choice in front of me that is not clear, I have to make Chris decide for me. Sometimes I am completely unable of figuring out how to handle a situation, and if Chris can't help me, I'll be completely lost. I think this is why I am having so much trouble blogging lately. I'll come up with something great to blog about, get 2 or 3 paragraphs going, then decide that it sucks and delete the whole damn thing and go to bed. You don't even want to know how many times I've done this, or how bad I am tempted to do it even now. But I won't, because at least I identified a problem along the way.

Blah

2006-05-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't forgotten about Erin's request for a summary of my spiritual leanings, but I'm pulling the tired-as-fuck-and-falling-asleep card tonight. Our local high school has an agricultural farm, and today was the yearly field trip for the elementary classrooms to go take a tour. This means that I maneuvered a wheelchair-bound, squirmy, whiney 5 year old over all sorts of fun terrain for about 2 1/2 hours. Oh, and by "fun terrain" I mean through ditches and hay piles and mounds of cow shit. Yeah, it was SO much fun.

See you next week.

Topic Request: Public Schools

2006-05-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

Rachael has requested my rant on Public Schools in America. I've been thinking about this post for several days now, and it's really boggling my mind because I've never put this rant down in writing, I've always had props to help exemplify my points. So, here goes nothing. I can't put off trying forever!

First of all, my school rant isn't Public School specific. I could narrow it down to public schools alone, but this rant is much more fun and I'm much more passionate about it.

My biggest problem with the way kids are taught in school is the basic teaching method. A teacher stands in front of a group of students, each with completely different interest, learning styles, backgrounds, attention levels, and on and on. Then, this teacher shows them something that they need to learn. (This is where my props come in handy.) She waves it around, and makes it sound terribly interesting to about half of the students, yet completely useless to the other half. Once the first half is really in to it and the second half is about to fall asleep, she puts it away and pulls out something else. "No, no, no. I don't care if you really liked that subject, we're done with it now and you need to pay attention to this." So, now the interested half is frustrated and probably a bit pissed, and the bored half is just watching the clock.

My second big problem is age based grading. Who says that a child should be learning their ABC's at 4? Who says that a child should have their multiplication tables memorized by 8? Why does a child need to know all of the state capitals at 11? I think that a child should learn all of these things when they are ready to learn them. I learned to read and write at a 3rd grade level before I entered kindergarden, yet my math skills weren't high enough to move forward. This ended me up with the dreaded syndrome that I talked about a minute ago. I was excited before recess, and bored to tears afterwards.

So, what is the solution? Well, a start would be entrance exams into each grade level, but the way our public schools approach testing since the No Child Left Behind bullshit makes me afraid that this would be horrible for kids. Acctually, I'm a huge supporter of unschooling. I believe that if a child is put in a fun learning environment from day one, they will never learn that education is bad. Learning really will be fun if they are properly encouraged and given the opportunities to learn and use what they have learned and be proud of what they have learned. The desire to learn is automatic, especially when a child is shown how much better their lives can be with a higher education. If they want to be able to buy toys or candy when they go to the store, they need to learn about money and how to manage it. If they want to read a story with an adult instead of being an audience, they will need to learn to read. If they want to be accepted to a college to persue the career of their dreams, they will want to learn higher education. If they see that learning is not only fun, but useful to their everyday lives, they will be excited and eager about it instead of afraid and frustrated.

A request from me

2006-05-10T10:46:00.000-07:00

I would like to ask everyone to go to my best friend, Robin's blog and offer her love and condolences. She lost her dog on the 29th of last month, and her father this morning. She hasn't blogged in forever, but she still checks on things and she could really use some support and smiles right now. Thank you in advance, and I'm still working on getting back into blogging on a regular basis, so don't give up on me!

Need... Sleep...

2006-05-08T06:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten about my last two requested topics, but it may take me a few days to complete them. We found another litter of kittens yesterday! These guys are about 3-4 weeks old, and by far the most demanding litter I've ever taken in. They are VERY hungry and VERY loud! If I am even a minute late on their 3 hour feedings, they scream and scream and don't shut up until an hour after they finish eating. So, even though Chris gave them their 3am feeding last night, I still woke up to the screaming.

To top it all off, I'm sick and I have to work today. If I could just go 5 minutes without coughing I might just cry tears of joy. Today will suck. Wish me luck.

Topic Request: Animal Testing

2006-05-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

Utenzi suggested that I comment on animal testing. Interestingly enough, I just had a conversation about this a few days ago.

I'm kind of forced into a position on this. I'm a big fan of medicine and cosmetics, so it would be nothing short of hypocritical of me to be against animal testing. It makes me feel icky inside that animals are used to test cosmetics and the like, but I can't very well say that I'm against it while I dye my hair, wash myself with soap, and wear make-up. I would love to shout from the rooftops that animal testing is wrong, but the fact remains that I love living in a society with medicine and personal grooming.

The whole cosmetics problem aside, I am a reluctant supporter of animal testing simply because we don't have a suitable alternative. I live in a world where people are more important than animals. Noone can accuse me of not being an animal lover. I went broke last summer weaning 2 litters of kittens to health, I created a website to raise funds, and I have a small zoo living in my house. The whole neighborhood knows that I will willingly take in any litter over 24 hours old to wean and find homes for just to reduce the population of strays in our neighborhood. But people come first. If I had to choose between dog food and feeding my kids, I would cry the entire time I found a home for my dog, even if that home had to be the pound.

The bottom line is that people are more important. Not a single one of us hasn't been saved, literally, by animal testing in the medical field. While it's horrible and tragic, if a guinea pig has to die to keep my family alive, I'll take the offer. I know that is sounds cold, and it won't make me popular, but that's the way it is, and I have no choice but to stick by it.

Burnout

2006-05-01T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm out of shit to say. Someone give me a topic!

Mental Regurgitation

2006-04-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

I'm having a "feeling sorry for myself" day. When I go to work, I kick ass. I'm full of energy and enthusiasm, I am always on the move, and I don't complain about anything. But when I get home, I turn into a fat, lazy lump. I can barely motivate myself to get up and make dinner. Hell, about 2 nights a week I don't make dinner, I just make sure there are enough pieces in the kitchen for the girls to make their own with minimal oversight. I am about 50 lbs overweight, and I'm really getting sick of it. I don't feel like a fat person, I feel like I'm beautiful because Chris tells me that I am so often. But then I look in the mirror. Even though I've been overweight most of my life, the mirror still shocks me. When I pull a pair of pants out of the laundry, I'm shocked at how big they are. That's not my size! I'm not that big!

I have a heat rash inside my thighs right now from wearing a skirt without shorts underneath. Great, just what I need. A painful reminder of my obesity every time I take a step. I need to get motivated. I need to stock the house with healthy snacks instead of comfort food. I need to take a fucking walk. But instead, it's 10:30 in the morning, I've been awake for 2 hours, and I don't even have the motivation to get up and get myself a glass of water. And I guarantee when I do get up to get it, I'll be checking out the Cheetos while I'm in there.

I am just so fucking sick of this cycle. Last night Chris had to run a bunch of errands, and I was left home alone. I started feeling sorry for my fat self, so I went and got a glass of chocolate milk. When that was gone, I had an ice cream sandwich. By the time Chris got home, I was near tears and I had heartburn. He made me some rice for dinner and I felt better. This is the cycle that I find myself in constantly. I start feeling shitty about myself, and if Chris isn't immediately available to lift me back up, I head for the comfort food because what's the point in fighting it, right? I lost all the weight once, and it came back. I feel like I'm just one of those fat people who will always be fat. I will be my mother, so overweight that her body has completely fallen apart and now she can't even go grocery shopping without one of those power carts.

I need to go have sex. Chris makes me feel beautiful and sexy, and as long as I can avoid a mirror or looking at any of my clothes, I can continue to believe the lie and get my hair done today.

[Insert horrible, frustrated, ripping-my-hair-out sound here]

2006-04-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Megan turned 11 today. It started out as a good day, and, well, it really was a good day. The thing is, Megan knows every single one of my buttons. She knows exactly where, when, and how hard to press all of them in perfect order to gain the perfect response she desires at that specific time. She also knows that I have a soft spot for birthdays. Each of us only gets one per year, and dammit, it needs to be special.

So, of course, Megan pressed every one of my buttons today, carefully avoiding the big ones so that I would spend all day reminding myself that "it's her birthday... I need to choose my battles... this is not such a big deal... it's just a little thing...." She started with taking forever to get dressed this morning, then stealthily moved on to losing her backpack seconds before we had to leave. After school she spontaneously forgot how to do her math homework, bothered her sister in the shower, and emptied the last roll of toilet paper (which she had put on the roll in the first place, knowing it was the last fucking one) while I was waiting in line to take a piss. All of this was, of course, muddled along numerous other little, nothing things that just PISS ME OFF AND SHE KNOWS IT!

*sigh* It's her birthday. But tomorrow her ass is mine.

Fuck that too.

2006-04-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

When I read this, I just couldn't leave well enough alone. I found this in my bulletins on my MySpace page. So, anyone who is already my friend has seen this. I thorouly expect my friends count to go down by morning. The parts I have a problem with will be in italics, and my comments will be in bold. ~Samantha

Think about this: If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone-----YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM !!!!

Good point. I am going to forward this, even though I will probably offend many.

Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice??????

Think about it!

All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS?

I celebrate Christmas...........but because it isn't celebrated by everyone..............we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season's Greetings.

It's not Christmas vacation, it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?

Would you prefer we held Winter Break during the Solstice? Oh, wait. That's on the 21st, only 4 days before Christmas.

We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that.
This says it all!

This is an editorial written by an
American citizen, published in a
Tampa newspaper. He did quite a job; didn't he? Read on, please!

IMMIGRANTS,
NOT AMERICANS,
MUST ADAPT.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we
are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11,
we have experienced a surge
in patriotism by the majority
of Americans. However...... the dust from the attacks had
barely settled when the "politically correct! " crowd began complaining about
the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to ! America.
Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants.
However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans...... we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

This is the most bigoted, idiotic thing I have ever heard. Our personal "culture, society, language and lifestyle" are all borrowed from elsewhere! None of it is truly original unless it was created originally within the last 200 years or so. This country was founded on immigrants and, let's face it, High Treason. To change, adapt, and question our government is what this country was founded on!

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language.
Therefore, if you wish to become part
of our society, learn the language!

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan.. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women.......on Christian principles............. founded this nation..... and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it
on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home.........because God is part of our culture.

If I hear this one more time, I think I will climb to my rooftop and scream. This country was NOT founded by Christians, it was founded by Deists. Deists were NOTHING like the Christians of today, they did not believe that the Christian God controlled or even monitored any aspect of our lives.

"In God We Trust" was added to our money and "Under God" was added to our pledge in the 1950's by President Eisenhower for political purposes during the Cold War. Mainly to paint a negative picture of the "Atheist Commies" and seperate us from them. If anyone would like to dispute this, please provide this "clear documentation." IT DOES NOT EXIST BECAUSE IT IS NOT TRUE.

This country was also founded on the idea of freedom of religion. Yes, that means ALL of them, not just the loud ones. If someone chooses to dance naked under a full moon then it is their constitutional right to do so as long as it doesn't infringe on anothers rights. God is NOT part of our culture, and He is NOT part of our history. This country was founded on democracy, not God.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or
you don't like Uncle Sam, then you
should seriously consider a move
to another part of this planet.
We are happy with our culture and have
no desire to change, and we really
don't care how you did things where
you came from.

Who the hell is "We?" I am a naturally born American, I pay my taxes, I graduated high school, I speak English. I do not speak for the moron who wrote this essay. To say that change is damaging to America is proof that my assessment of the author is correct. America is completely about change. The desire change is the reason America exists.

This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so!
But once you are done complaining....... whining...... and griping....... about our flag....... our pledge...... our national motto........or our way of life....I highly encourage you to
take advantage of one other Great American Freedom.......

THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

Finally, the author said something I agree with. If you are unwilling to allow change to happen in the name of tolerance and first ammendment rights, then you should absolutely leave. I know several countries that are ruled by religion, and I assure you, you would not like their vacation packages.

It is Time for America to Speak up
If you agree -- pass this along;
if you don't agree -- delete it!

I will pass it on, only to show how ignorant and closed minded it is. Again, if you feel the desire to delete me as a friend for this, feel free. I have enough friends and I refuse to sit down while this mind numbing propoganda is spread.

AMEN

Blessed Be

I figure if we all keep passing this to our friends
(and enemies) it will also, sooner or later
get back to the complainers, lets all try,
please

The closest thing to a drunk post you'll get

2006-04-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

So I started feeling better last night, but when I laid down in bed to read, a migraine hit me like a ton of bricks. I woke up this morning and started my regimen of pills, alternating between my tension headache pills, Vicodin, Sudafed, asprin, etc. Nothing was touching this. Laying down hurt, sitting up hurt, eating hurt, talking hurt, you know, a migraine. Finally around 7pm I remembered that my SIL gets really bad migraines, so I called my MIL to find out if she could get ahold of SIL to see if I could get an Imitrex. I used to take Imitrex for my migraines back in the days of health insurance, but I haven't had any in several months.

SIL is up skiing with her boyfriend, and MIL couldn't get ahold of her. So, she offered to go to her house and see if she could find any. Angels began singing the Hallelujia chorus when she called and told me she had one for me. I noticed it was a higher strength than I used to take, but since I always had to take 2, I figured it would be fine. About 5 minutes after I took it, MIL called me and asked "You haven't taken that pill yet, have you?"

"Um, yeah, about 5 minutes ago."

"Well, you might want to eat some crackers and lie down. Those are 4X the strength you're used to."

About 20 minutes later, I had my bed all set up on the couch and I had eaten a pile of saltines and a half gallon of water, but it still hit me. All of a sudden my stomach protested and every inch of my skin got all tingly and fun all at once. I wavered my way to the couch and fell asleep during 10 Things I Hate About You.

I woke up about an hour later, my head feeling better and my whole body feeling like a party. I haven't had a high like this since high school, and it was just too good to pass by. So here you have it: not a drunk post, but an Imitrex OD high post.

Fuck this

2006-04-20T20:05:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sick as a dog. Headache, muscle aches, not keeping down food, etc., etc. AND I get to have Sara to her new church at 7am to go to a Magic Mountain trip. Oh fun. Megan is sick, I still haven't gotten my money back from my master hacker, and now I have to call in sick to work tomorow. How shitty is it when the sub calls in sick? I'm going to bed and I'm not coming out until next week.

Go! Now!

2006-04-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

Go over and wish Miss Ann Thrope a very happy birthday! Don't worry, she is totally loving all this attention. And while you're there, read some of her shit. She is one of the great bloggers!

I've become a statistic

2006-04-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

I've always been one of those "Go ahead and steal my identity I'm broke anyway" kind of people. I mean, what could they really steal? I've got some decent credit cards, but if someone goes on a spending spree I will eventually get it all back anyway with nothing more than a headache and a few phone calls, right?

Well, in my superhero ignorance, I broke the first rule of keeping yourself and your money safe on the internet. I made my hotmail password the same as my paypal password. Did you know that if someone tries to buy something with your paypal account, and your account is empty, it is automatically withdrawn from your bank account? I didn't realize this until today, when someone hacked my account and went on a $980 spending spree with my paypal account.

Luckily, the hacker was an idiot who didn't bother to verify his own address, so he raised red flags and the transaction was cancelled before he got ahold of my money. If he had taken the extra 5 minutes to get around that, my money would be in England right now. Paypal held the money, which means I'll get it back, but I have to fight with my bank over the 5 checks that bounced because of it and the $125 worth of fees. "Courtesy fees" they call them.

I'm exhausted. Chris called me at work to tell me about this, which meant I spent nearly the whole day in tears because I didn't know how I would pay my bills. Rent, lights, INTERNET! I have heard people complaining about paypal, boycotting it for one reason or another, but their security measures just about literally saved my life today. If they hadn't caught that that guy was a thief, I would have no way to feed my family right now. Even though it's all coming back, this really shook me. All of my passwords have changed, none of my passwords are stored on the computer anymore (What a pain in the ASS!), and yes, all of my passwords are different now. So begins the long waits of having my passwords emailed to me everytime I do anything because I can't remember the damn things.

Useless trivia for the day

2006-04-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words

Don't believe me? look it up

Turkey dissapointment

2006-04-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

So today while I'm at work, Chris will stuff the turkey and get it cooking. That means that I miss the only fun part of making a big turkey dinner. Stuffing the turkey always looked like fun, well, something I could consider fun anyway. This is really strange because I'm a borderline vegetarian, so for me to consider shoving stuffing into an empty carcas is really worrisome. But whatever. I'm butthurt.

The kids I work with are so much fun, it almost makes me less butthurt about missing out on my first turkey dinner. I'm thinking about making a truly annonymous blog to chronicle the crazy shit that goes on in my classrooms. Think Tard Blog with a more tactful name. (I LOVE the Tard Blog btw. The original author is an amazing woman who sees these kids for what they really are: kids.) Anyway I'm really thinking about it, but I'll have to come up with names for everyone and ways of making it truly annonymous to avoid that whole lost job/lawsuit thing. The powers that be are very clear on what is and is not appropriate conversation about the kids. I can talk about work, but I can't say anything that would point to who the kids acctually are. Like, I can come home and say "Man, it sucked so bad when one of the kids got mad at me and puked all over herself." But I can't say "Man, Adam was running around like a monkey today" and then demonstrate in front of a crowded restaraunt. (There is no Adam in either of my classes btw, and none of them do monkey impressions.)

So yeah. I need to work on that. And my shoulder hurts. Hopefully I don't have to lift anyone today.

DAMN I love California Schools.

2006-04-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

So Kathy had the girls all weekend, and even though it was Easter we didn't mind. Monday is the last day of spring break, so we were just going to do our Easter thing then. Baskets, egg hunts, turkey dinner, all that jazz. Everything is all planned out and ready to go. But guess what! That all got FUCKED because our school district is a bunch of inconsiderate morons. They decided to make Monday a school day to make up for the 1/2 inch of snow that they cancelled school for. I wouldn't have even known it if I hadn't gotten called at 8:30 tonight to work tomorow. The school didn't send out notes to let parents know, they didn't make any phone calls, they didn't update their calendars, nothing. My teacher didn't even find out until 7pm tonight. It's BULLSHIT! So now Sara gets to sit at home all day waiting for Megan to get out of school so they can open their baskets and hunt for eggs and shit.

I. Am. So. Pissed. If I didn't have to work, I'd keep Megan home anyway just because the school is so full of dumb fucks.

I love California!

2006-04-15T12:28:00.000-07:00

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere
else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Spring!

2006-04-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

It's finally starting to feel like Spring in California! Time for trips to the lake, sprinkler parties, skirts (I don't wear shorts), and sandals! Winter felt like it was lasting forever this year. I mean, who gets snow in March in Southern California? Really! So this means that I can stop bitching about winter and begin bitching about the heat. Hey, I have to have something to bitch about, right? This also means I need to shave my damn legs. The one thing I acctually like about winter is that I don't have to shave my legs because, well, nobody sees them except Chris and I don't have to worry about impressing him anyway.

Our holiday weekend plans are up in the air, as they usually are in this family. My mom usually gives us advance notice, but Chris has the flu and we're not allowed around my mom when we're sick. So she hasn't invited us, and I honestly don't even know if she's having a big dinner or not. I don't think Chris' parents are having a dinner. With his dad permanently grounded now, and his mom trying to keep up on the yardwork and the housework, I don't think she's going to bother. So this leaves me to cook a damn ham. I've never cooked a ham in my life, so we'll just hope the miriacles of the internet will guide me.

SO not looking forward to this.

Adventures in sleeping next to Sam

2006-04-12T22:35:00.000-07:00

I think I've mentioned it before, but I'm a serious bitch to sleep next to. I mean bad. I used to have night terrors, which really sucks btw, but for the past few years I am mainly just annoying, humorous, and sometimes a bit evil. I give you: stories of sleeping next to Sam. It should be noted that I remember NONE of this, so I really can't be held responsible. It's not my fault that my subconsious has serious problems. It should also be noted that sometimes I think Chris is completely full of shit.

~ After digging my toenail into Chris' thigh and scratching him all the way to his ankle, I told him to "quit whining you dumb bitch."

~ Every 7-10 minutes, for an entire 7 hour night, I rolled over and kissed Chris, then giggled.

~ I had a night terror that someone had come into my bedroom and set an entire can of ants on my headboard. Still asleep, I told Chris about it. When he told me I was just dreaming, I became furious and lit a lighter to show him. In my sleep. (Ants were a common theme in my night terrors.)

~ I dreamt that I fell asleep with a cigarette, and jumped out of bed screaming, turned on the light, and started ripping all of the sheets and blankets off of the bed. I only woke up when he took the blankets from my hands.

~ I reset my alarm clock for 10 minutes straight, luckily ending at the correct time.

~ I got out of bed, spun around 3 times, and laid back down. When asked about it, I said "See? That's how it's done!"

~ Laying sideways, I slid my ass all the way up to the pillows so I was laying sideways on the bed. While Chris wondered what I was doing, I farted directly in his face and then laughed for about 3 minutes solid.

~ I steal Chris' pillow while he's sleeping or before he gets to bed, curling up with it like a teddy bear. When he tries to take it back, I hold onto it for dear life, often cursing at him.

~ For no appearant reason at all, I punched Chris in the face.

~ On rare occasions, I initiate sex with no knowledge of it in the morning. (Besides the obvious clues, anyway.)

This is very serious

2006-04-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

Life as we know it is coming to an end.

There is no turning back.

Protesting won't slow it down.

No amount of petitioning will stop it.

There's no proposed measure to reverse it.

We now have a teenager in the house.

It's Easy, Fun and Fabulous!

2006-04-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

Have you seen this commercial yet? (Warning: autoplay music at the link.)

I just about died when I saw this on TV the other night. I was a Bedazzling maniac when I was about 12 years old. Just about every item I owned (plus some of my sisters) had Bedazzles on them in some way. But then they fell off in the dryer, and most of the time the little teeth on them broke off in the process, making it impossible to fix. Pretty soon I had a bunch of half-Bedazzled shirts with little streched out marks where the old ones fell out. And yeah right. Like those things will go through a leather cowboy hat? Mine wouldn't even do most jeans.

So yeah, they totally suck, but isn't that wierd that those awful things are back?

Neener neener

2006-04-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

I was going to post tonight, but

I'm gonna get some booooty!
I'm gonna get some booooty!
I'm gonna get some booooty!

I just thought you would like to know that I do have priorities.

My template is back!

2006-04-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

My template is back! Much thanks to Madbull for looking at my template for me, and much thanks to Ocelot for pointing out when and where the problem began! I'll miss my Bush/Monkey thing, but I don't want to alienate readers with a broken script!

R.I.P.

2006-04-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

Scrappy was hit by a car and killed tonight. One of our neighbors saw her and knocked on the door so at least we were able to bury her before the animals or more cars got to her. It was a clean tire hit right in the middle of her body, and it appears that she probably died instantly.

Scrappy was abandoned near our home as a small kitten. She was about 8 weeks old when we finally caught her, feral and infected in her eyes and respritory system. With alot of coaxing and patience, we tamed her. With alot of support and donations from wonderful people through my kitten rescue site we got her healthy and spayed. She turned approx. one year old on the first of this month.

Another damn change

2006-04-07T19:01:00.000-07:00

While I LOVED the template I had, it was seriously fucked up in FireFox. I don't just mean "not as cute as IE." I mean SERIOUSLY fucked up, totally unreadable. So, she had to go. This one isn't as cute, but it's still kinda cute, so it will work until I grow some balls and pay for a template. I left a note for the creator of the last template, asking if there was a fix to make it viewable in FireFox, but she doesn't update often, so I doubt that she'll get back to me. I've checked this one in FireFox and IE, and while it's better in IE, it works in FireFox. If it's unreadable in any of the other browsers, please let me know so I can pull my hair out, cry, and change it again.

Have I been found?

2006-04-04T17:32:00.000-07:00

Dear person who found my site from Houston Texas,

Ok, you're making me nervous because you appear to be looking at my site from Shell Services International Inc. from Houston, Texas. You looked through all of my archives in less than 12 minutes after finding me by a search for "blogspot" "I smoke" "smoker" in Yahoo. That is some serious speed reading to get through what, like 18 months of posts in 12 minutes. Were you afraid to stay because I would recognize you?

Are you my step-mom? If you are, I don't think my dad would like this open side of me. But Lori, if you do show this to him, warn me first, kay?

Much love from your step-daughter,
~Samantha

ADHD anyone?

2006-04-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

Pride and Joy

2006-04-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

I just had to share this picture. This is Chris' third child, his stereo system. There's something like 3 million watts of power flowing through these speakers. I really have no idea how it works, but our neighbors LOVE us!

Tids and Bits

2006-03-30T20:45:00.000-08:00

~ I recently realized that my 10 year high school reunion is happening in 2 years. How the hell did *this* happen? It has NOT been 8 years since I graduated high school, I swear! My 10 year reunion is not allowed to happen until I have a college degree, 2.5 kids, and I'm back down to a size 12!

~ I've never been a big fan of Buck Owens. But isn't it sad that I've lived within an hour of The Crystal Palace for almost 18 years, but I've never seen him? I remember when they renamed Pierce Road in Bakersfield to Buck Owens Blvd., but I never saw him. Damn. (Shit, I still call it Pierce Road sometimes)

~ It's been a year and a half since I worked anything close to part time. Even though I still LOVE my job, this week has killed me. It is seriously about time I got a job, because if I had been on disability any longer I think I would have been permanently embedded into the couch.

~ Shit. I just realized that I need to pay my electricity bill tomorow or it will be late.

~ I'm getting really desperate for things to post about, so I'm going to quit now while I still have some dignity.

Are you fucking kidding me?

2006-03-27T20:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know that this has been overdone already, but I just can't leave it alone. This is a "monument to giving birth?" Am I the only one who remembers her having an elective C-section and tummy tuck all at the same time? (The rear view of the sculpture shows her "widened hips for birthing and reveals the crowning of baby Sean's head.") Is a multi-million dollar pop star really the "ideal model for Pro-Life?" Can women struggling with the desition of abortion really relate to Britney Spears? Has anyone seen her thighs lately?

This and that

2006-03-26T19:09:00.000-08:00

Sara's first week of homeschooling went wonderfully. She did her work with enthusiasm, and even finished it all a day early. She is speaking more clearly, standing up straight, and smiling that beautiful smile that we missed so much. It's amazing how fast she has changed. The school really was poison for her. Tomorow morning she leaves for camp, and she is SO excited. Our school district owns a piece of land in the Morro Bay area, and it is really one of the most wonderful experiences a kid can have. I went in 6th grade, and went again my junior year as a counselor. It's going to be really hard putting her on that bus in the morning, but I know she will have a great time.

In other news, I will be working all this week because one of the teachers is going to camp as well, so I don't know if I'll be blogging much. I also may have a position in the classroom during summer school if they get enough kids signed up, so that would be great! I'll try to keep blogging, but I'm SO not used to working full time, so I may just be too exhausted!

Choosing a wife:

2006-03-22T20:04:00.000-08:00

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Um, huh?

2006-03-21T20:25:00.000-08:00

Sara has been doing homeschool for 2 days now. So far, so good. She craps out on me kinda early, but she's trying hard. They really do give her alot of work, even a bit more than I expected. She'll be doing about 5 hours of work a day, so we make sure she gets plenty of breaks and a nice long lunch. I think once she gets used to things, this will work out really nicely.

Onto something completely random and unrelated, Chris and I aren't exactly bashful about how our relationship started. It's not like we go screaming to the rooftops that we were polygamists, but it's fairly common knowledge and not something that we're ashamed of. Well, one of Chris' new friends is a really fun 19 year old guy named Brian with a really sweet girlfriend. We've really come to like both of them, and the four of us hang out on a regular basis. A few weeks ago Brian had made a comment along the lines of politely telling Chris that I am "pretty damn hot for a bigger chic." Um, thanks?

Well, tonight Brian is over and he and Chris are playing video games. Brian made a small, laughable comment about whether or not we had room in our chain collection for two more. We all laughed about it, but now I'm wondering if he was serious. Um, no?

Horrible times ahead

2006-03-19T19:36:00.000-08:00

I have just found a site that disturbed me greatly, and I would like to share it with all of you, along with my multiple layers of feelings for it. This is a detailed and graphic description on how open up an illegal abortion clinic in your home and perform D&C type abortions. She goes into great detail on everything from sterilization using a pressure boiler, to dialating the cervix, to the down and dirty of scraping the placenta from the uterus. DO NOT read this if you are sensitive to this sort of thing AT ALL. Even from a strong pro-choice standpoint, this description made my physically nauseous. Please, take this warning if you could possibly be disturbed by it and just take my word for what she is describing. (This means you especially, Zube.)

My first reaction was absolute horror. How irresponsible could any human being possibly be to knowingly and intentionally give someone the information necessary to open up an illegal clinic and perform real medical operation without an MD present? This information is literally signing death certificates. She is handing out information that any Tom, Dick or Harry could use, thinking that they are capable of when they are absolutely not.

But, the sad and horrible truth is that this is better than the alternative. Anti-abortion legislation will kill more women than most want to realize. The days of coathanger abortions WILL come back. There are women who cannot afford to take the time and money to cross the state border. There is also the argument that there is no excuse for an unplanned pregnancy. The legislation in South Dakota doesn't even allow for abortions in the cases of rape, incest, or life threatening complications. While I absolutely do not support the idea of putting surgical procedures in the hands of anyone with an internet connection, I would rather see a woman go to someones kitchen who has sanitized instruments and a little knowledge than to see her resort to the use of a coathanger or potentially fatal injury.

We all need to stand up and put a stop to anti-abortion legislature. Those of you who live in states trying to accomplish this need to register and vote. You need to go to every pro choice rally you can get to. We all do.

I would also like to clarify that I am not pro-abortion, I'm pro-choice. I think that abortion is one of the most horrifying and sad decisions that any woman could have to face, but I think that is should be her decision. If it were my body, my morals, and my world views, then I would not have one. But law should not be made by personal morals or world views, it should be made in the greater interest of the people. The greater interest in this case is keeping our girls and women safe and alive.

FIL update

2006-03-17T06:56:00.000-08:00

Update: Chris' dad did have a major heart attack, and went in to congestive heart failure. It has been unanimously decided that the staff at our local heart hospital are pure magic, because not too many people can walk around saying they have survived losing a leg, having it reattached, had several strokes, a heart attack, open heart surgery, a quadrupal bipass, another major heart attack, and congestive heart failure. If nothing happens during the night (so far no news as of 7am) he can come home to rest this morning. His medication will be altered a bit, a few pills added to the mix, and he is to cease all yardwork immediately. The doc says all of the yardwork he insists on doing is the main cause for this. He also says that there was no visible damage done to his previous surgeries, and he couldn't believe he was a 68 year old man. Without seeing his chart, he thought he was 57, tops.

As long as he takes care of himself and slows down on the manual labor, he'll be just fine.

On outlooks

2006-03-16T18:48:00.000-08:00

Chris' dad was a Hell's Angel in his younger years. Well, into his early 30's acctually, he was vice president of the Road Runners chapter. When his first wife died of an "accidental" gunshot wound, he backed off substaintially. It took almost dying while he had two babies and a new wife at home for him to find his way out though. When it comes down to a Harley vs. a Mayflower moving van, it's pretty much a sure bet on who's walking away. His leg was completely seperated from his body, but they were able to reattach it. However, the ordeal left him with several strokes, a major heart attack, and a quadrupal bypass. After all of this, he was one of the lucky ones. Instead of being jumped out, he only had to give up his bike to be rid of the Angels forever. He was a feeble, disabled old man by his mid 30's, after he'd spent his life as a master welder and family supporter.

This morning, he had what appeared to be another heart attack. He was airlifted to the nearest major hospital with the expectations of going in for another heart surgery, one that he might not have lived through. We spent hours sitting by the phone today, waiting to hear more news. Chris was a total wreck, completely not ready for the thought of losing a parent. Luckily, they think it's only a clogged artery. They are treating him with medication for now, and keeping him in for observation and the possibility of an angiogram. It looks like surgery is no longer a worry, but when something like this happens, it really makes you stop. If his dad were to die, Chris' mom would have nothing. She is a career housewife with no insurance, no skills, a bad back, and no work history at all. Her share of his social security would keep the lights on, but not the morgage and credit cards paid.

They also are the type of people who hold a grudge for a very, very long time. When Chris' neice was 12 years old, she was being a typical, nosey 12 year old and was eaves dropping in on the adults conversation. She heard them talking about her other grandfather, about how he is such a huge pot dealer around here. (True) Well, as a typical 12 year old, she went home and told her parents. (Chris' brother and his wife) This began the eruption of the biggest family split I have personally ever seen. The last words spoken between Chris' brother and their parents was him telling them that the next time he saw either of them would be over their graves. They haven't spoken since, and this was 4 years ago. Chere, the neice, has been trying to make a reconciliation for almost a year now, but they refuse to believe that she has grown up. They still see her as a manipulative little girl who caused their son to hate them.

The sad thing is, this near death experience won't change their outlook at all.

Randomness

2006-03-16T07:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been posting the past few days. Honestly, there's just not much to report! I guess boring is better than chaotic and stressful, right?

Sara's last day of school is Friday, and she picks up her first packet of work Monday. She is very excited, and I think this will be a really good thing for her. We will be holding a very tight schedule for her for the first few weeks, with timers and set recess and lunchtime. But, I figure within a month or so we'll be able to learn how she works best and loosen up a bit. I'm still looking for resources that will help us adapt, but all the sites I'm finding are for parents who are doing the homeschooling completely on their own. Since she will be getting her curriculum through the school, I'm having trouble finding anything of value. So, if anyone has any advise or resources, I'm all ears!

We're still waiting to see if the house will sell to these people. They put in an offer of $305,000 but the asking price is $350,000 so that didn't go. The in-laws came back with an offer of $340,000 as is, meaning they won't carry insurance for them for the first year as they had originally planned on. It's such a stressful waiting game. I want to start cleaning and packing now, to avoid the stress of rushing, but I'd hate to have to put everything back if it doesn't sell. We're going to clean out the garage this weekend anyway and turn it into yard sale headquarters. We need to have a yard sale anyway. We have way too much ~~junk~~ stuff and we could sure use the money!

I'm also about to quit my cleaning job, but even the small amount of money it brings in is important right now. He really lives like a pig. His dishes had to have been sitting in that sink for at least a week or two, and add that to the fact that he saves his used cat food cans and that was one stinky, slimy, nasty sinkfull of dishes. Then, to add insult to injury, a few hours after I got home he called and accused me of stealing his cat (that I gave to him in the first place) because he couldn't find her. I'm wondering what's going to happen when he can't find his wallet after I've been there. The last thing I need right now is someone formally accusing me of theft.

So I'm a whore

2006-03-14T19:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm whoring myself out again. Damn. I should really stop with that shit.

Anyway, I just wanted everyone to know that Wednesday is your last chance to sign up for Aprils project at Ready, Set, Gluegun! Go! Sign up dammit!

Moving?

2006-03-13T08:28:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like our house situation may be solved. Chris sat his dad down and had a long talk a couple weeks ago, and explained to him how badly we’re getting screwed in this whole deal. He explained how it seems like they couldn’t have picked a worse opportunity to put the house on the market. They chose a time when we are in the worst financial problems of our life. When we can’t afford a new rental and we can’t get a home loan because neither of us has a full time job. His dad finally understood, and came up with a solution just in time, as some people looked at the property Friday and claim to really want it.

This is what will happen: If and when the house sells, they will set us up with a storage container and a 35 ft. pop-out trailer, and they will live in another one. They will live in theirs until their home is installed. (They are going with those new-fangled manufactured homes, the really nice ones that you can’t even tell are trailers.) Once theirs is in, they will get a loan to put in one for us. We will be on the other end of the 5 acre property with our own power pole, septic tank, etc. Once ours is in, we will pay their loan off at $400 a month, the same as the rent we’re paying now, and they will sell the 5th wheel. This will take about 6 months, max.

Now, 4 of us living in a 5th wheel will totally suck, but the one they’re looking at seems doable. It’s a playboy type, so if we wanted to add a temporary room to the end of it, we could. It also sleeps 8 and has a small bedroom at one end, so Chris and I won’t have to sleep in the same part of the trailer as the girls. We will be very, very cramped, but it will be summer time, so there will be plenty to do outside. I don’t imagine my dog will have any yard to speak of, so the girls will get their outside exercise by walking her everyday. We will go to the lake whenever we can, go to the park when the lake is too crowded, and basically just learn how to live in such closed quarters.

Storage during this time is the only thing we’re still figuring out, but we’ll be able to find something. Chris and his dad have a lot of ~~junk~~ project cars that have already found a temporary home and that we can lock stuff inside of for storage. A lot of our old junk will be sold, like a huge chunk of our 400something VHS tapes that we never watch anymore, most of my knickknacks, and a whole shitload of clothes.

We will also have a brand new, 3 bedroom 2 bath doublewide manufactured home to look forward to. They have also promised to will the new property and both houses to us as long as we promise to give Chris’ sister a place to stay in the smaller home if she needs it. This will be a huge step up for us from this little, 2 bedroom 1 bath home we’re squeezed into now. We’ll be quite a bit further from town too, so burglary isn’t nearly as big a worry as it is here. Here, we are right down the street from a huge party central for high school kids, and right up the street from a pretty damn big marijuana farm, putting us right in the middle of two destinations for drunk, trouble making teenagers. We will have much more privacy, not only from neighbors but from my in-laws too. Right now our homes are about 15-20 yards from each other, but in the new home we will be on separate ends of a 5 acre property. Much better.

All in all, things will really suck for 6 months or so, but it will be all worth it. I feel much MUCH better about the house selling. We will find out if this family that was here Friday has the loan they are looking for this week. I’m almost finding myself hoping that it sells now, but I’m still torn. Hope for the best for me!

Snow Day!

2006-03-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

I just wanted everyone to see what a snow day looks like in my part of California. Pretty sad, huh? Yes, they acctually cancelled school for this. This picture was taken at about 8am. The kids still found enough snow on the cars and fences to have a pretty damn good snowball fight though!

Thank you!

2006-03-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

A HUGE thank you for all the birthday comments and emails! I had a great day, even at work! I had a wonderful day. Chris made me a cake (that turned out really good!), and he owes me a dinner because time got away from us tonight. My mom and sister gave me some Butterfingers, a new bag, and $25 bucks, my grandma made me some super soft, warm crochet socks and $20, my in-laws got me some fugly 99cent jewlery, and my dad got me a George Foreman grill that I'll use 3 times and get sick of. All in all, it was a very good day!

26!

2006-03-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!

Tids and Bits

2006-03-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

~I got the paperwork for Sara to start independant study today. The teacher in charge of the program is her old 2nd grade teacher who she really liked, so that helps alot. Now all I have to do is talk to her mom because, legally, she has equal rights in her schooling as Chris, but I don't see her saying anything against it.

~Tomorow (Wednesday) is my birthday!

~I have to work tomorow. Kinda sucks, but money's money.

~I'm getting very used to the new classroom. The kids are still stressfull, but I'm really getting to know them and how to work with them.

~Chris has become the "cool old guy" with his neices friends. So, now we have a bunch of 16 year olds hanging out every day after school. It's cool though, they are really well behaved and they are super cool to both girls. Sara really likes having high school kids as friends. Technically, they're "bad" kids because they've been kicked out of the regular school and now go to the continuation high school a stones throw away from our house. They're really cool though, and as long as they're here, we know they're not out getting drunk and in trouble.

~I'm getting dangerously close to text message addiction. Seeing as how I'm on a prepaid plan, this could be bad.

~I can sing the entire rap part of Waterfalls by TLC. Just thought you'd be impressed by that. Moving on....

~I think I finally got my camera installed on my computer, but now I can't find the cord. This is really frustrating.

~I'm totally addicted to bulletins on MySpace. Any of you that are on my friends list already know that. They are basically cheesy meme's and quizzes, but I just can't stop reposting!

~I'm really missing my Robin. August is way too far away for her to get here!

A beginning of a new era

2006-03-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

Sara has had trouble with her peers picking on her for some time. It’s never gone beyond “normal” bullying before this year though. She has developmental delays, but they aren’t severe enough to take her out of the mainstream classrooms. This makes her an obvious target for school bullies, but she’s always had a group of friends who stick up for her and play with her.

This year, it seems those friends aren’t there anymore. She has been physically attacked at least twice in the past month, once she was left with a bruise the size of an apple. No matter how much I try, she refuses to tell on these kids. When I go to the school to complain, they tell me they can’t (read: won’t) do anything unless she takes the first step in reporting the students who are abusing her. So, I continue to complain to the school, she continues to refuse to report the abuse, and it continues to get worse.

Today was the final straw. She got an award from her teacher today at the awards assembly. I was there, sitting next to her, waiting for her name to be called. When her name was finally called, her face lit up like Christmas morning and I started whooping and hollering for her. That’s when I realized that I was the only person in the whole gym who was uttering a sound. Even the idle chit chat stopped. You could hear a pin drop underneath my lonely applause. Even the dirty kid with greasy hair and mis-matched tube socks got a small applause. Sara got nothing. Sara got every student in the school, together in a silent protest.

What the fuck is wrong with these kids? I know that kids are mean, I was picked on horribly in elementary school. But there were still a small group of kids who would stick up for me, even if they wouldn’t play with me. Her entire school day consists of wading her way through class so that she can be beaten up at lunch and ridiculed during breaks. I generally don’t like the idea of home schooling because it is too easy for the kids to become unsocialized, but would this be any worse than what’s happening to her now? Would it be so much worse to teach her at home and get her involved in the Boys and Girls club for some actual supervised socialization? I don’t think so.

Tomorrow I will spend my day in the school office, setting her up for home schooling. She wants to stick it out to go to camp at the end of the month, so I’ll give her that, but I see no reason to keep her there any longer than we have to. My first choice will be to go to the privately run, state funded community school so this piece of shit school doesn't get any money for her, but I'll go through the public school if I have to.

Sex talk turned serious

2006-03-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

Chris and I got into a conversation the other night about what makes someone "bad" in regards to sex as compared to just plain kinky. I personally don't care what two or more consenting adults do to each other outside of the public eye. Polygamy? I don't care for the cult groups that do it, but a respectful arrangement can work for all parties. Orgies? Why the hell wasn't I invited? Roleplaying? Go for it man. BDSM? Hey, whatever floats your boat! D/s? Not for me, but if you find fulfillment with it then have at it. Scat and golden showers? Not in my house but if you've got the tarps for it then have fun.

We also talked about beastiality. (No, not for us, just in general. Perv.) We came to find that we are guilty of holding a double standard on that one. It seems to me that a woman participating in beastiality with a male animal isn't quite the same as a man participating with a female animal. I mean, when a man whips it out and does a sheep, that sheep isn't neccesarily a willing participant. But when a woman straps herself up and bangs a donkey, the donkey seems to be enjoying himself, right? I hate saying that it's ok for one sex to do something that the other sex can't, but it seems that my position on beastiality does just that.

Now pedophilia is one that neither of us will waver on. The desire to perform sexual acts of any nature on a person under the age of 14 or so is, quite simply, a mental disorder. Now when I think of pedophelia or statutory rape, I'm totally not talking about the high school sweethearts who continue having sex after the boyfriend turns 18 but his girlfriend is still 17. That's just lame. What I'm talking about is these 40+ year old men looking for middle school girls. When Chris' 16 year old neice told us that a 40 year old coworker was hitting on her, I just about flipped. ANY man who hits on an underage girl who is more than 15 years younger than him is just plain sick in my mind. He should be castrated and spend the rest of his life in a small cement cell with a large black man named Bubba. No exceptions, no second chances, no parole.

Many people have tried to call me on this stance because Chris is 10 years older than I am. The big difference here is that I was 19 when we met. 14 is the age of consent in California, and 18 makes you a legal adult. (That is, a person over the age of 14 is legally considered capable of having consentual sex, not that they are allowed to have sex, just that if they are under 14 it is always molestation.) I was a legal adult, capable of making desitions about my own sex life and partners. By the time Chris and I met, I had slept with quite a few men, and was engaged. This is not pedophelia.

Pedophelia kills souls. It ruins futures and steals the only thing a child may have left: their innocence. Most victims of child molestation never fully recover. Even if they go through treatment and learn to deal, it still eats at them every day of their lives. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful thing that two or more people can share together, yet it is ruined for countless others everyday. It is turned into something painful and ugly. It becomes a mental illness, afear of intimacy, a paranoia for their childrens safety, or even just recurring nightmares. No matter what, every survivor of child molestation will tell you that yes, it still hurts, even if they have "recovered."

Just a few letters

2006-03-01T19:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Crackhead Drivers in my town,

I know that the newfangled left turn lanes on Main Street are really purty and all but let me take you back to when you were 16 years old. Remember that test you had to take to get your license? Well, it clearly told you that a left turn lane is used for making a left turn OUT of traffic, not as a quick way for you to merge into traffic when there isn't an opening for you to do it legally. One of these days you're going to catch me in a bad mood and I'm going to merge my big white van right into you, and then your insurance company is going to buy me a new car.

Thanks,
~Samantha

Edit: Thanks to a reader (see comments) I have found that I was, in fact, wrong. I know, I know, it's totally unheard of. But alas, it does happen from time to time. It turns out that a center left turn lane can be used to merge into or out of traffic in California as long as the vehicle doesn't stay there for more than 200 ft. Never let it be said that I won't fess up to my mistakes!

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Dear Pathetic Piece of Shit with the dog,

You see that 5 inch wide tumor growing out of your dogs leg? See how your dog limps on that foot when you drag him all over town? Yeah dipshit, that's because it fucking hurts. How about this; I'll smash your kneecap with a baseball bat and then drag you all over town by a rope tied around your neck. It's no big deal, right? You can still hop.

Take your dog to the humane society and surrender him. Now. Pieces of shit like you shouldn't be allowed to own a goldfish.

Fuck You,
~Samantha

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Dear Parent,

I know that your kid has autism. I know that he can't express himself the way you and I do, and I know that he can be a serious handfull at times. I know that he doesn't ask for a new outfit when it's 70 degrees outside and you have him dressed in a sweatshirt. This DOES NOT mean that he has "no internal thermometer." You have raised this child for his entire 9 years, yet you don't realize that he feels things the same way you do? If you're hot, so is he. If you're cold, so is he. If you're hungry, so is he. How about if I tape your mouth shut and tie some 20 lb. weights to your hands, then send you outside to "play" in 70 degree weather wearing two layers of sweats?

Oh, and how about the fact that he hasn't had a bowel movement in 4 days, and 6 days before that. Did you mention that to his doctor yesterday? Did the doctor give him any meds for this? You wrote a little note in his journal that you would call the classroom to tell us about his appointment, yet we didn't hear from you. Hmmm, let's see. He's dressed in sweats when it's 70 outside and he's taken one shit in the past 11 days. Gee, I wonder why he was in such a bad mood today.

You make the dog asshole look like a teddy bear.

Fuck You More,
~Samantha

Just a warning

2006-02-28T19:03:00.000-08:00

Please, everyone excuse the pathetic troll who is hanging out in my comments section. She has no life and has to pretend to live by using 2nd grade insults on total strangers.

I just wanted everyone to know, just in case you didn't hear already, that my birthday is in one week from Wednesday. That's right, you have 7 shopping days until I turn a whopping 26! Don't be shy, I won't be mad if you buy me something.

More Dwama!

2006-02-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

There is some fairy posting flames at me on it2m. (Warning, that first link is not work or children safe and, honestly, not worth the time anyway.) This person has taken to attacking me because a) Chris looks like a pro wrestler and b) I live in a trailer park. I find this wonderfully laughable because Chris is way to skinny to be a wrestler and I live in a brick home on an acre and a half of land. But anyway, I thought I would give this little fairy something to really attack me over:

1. Chris and I started out in a polyamourous relationship. That's right, I shared him with another woman, a nasty one at that! Wow, he must be a real dog if he kept 2 women satisfied for 2 years!

2. My name is Samantha and I'm a witch. Since you have a "Pagan and proud" button on your pathetic excuse of a blog, I'm sure you could hack into me on that.

3. I am the main breadwinner in my home. That's right, Chris is a stay at home dad, working odd jobs while the kids are in school.

4. I've lived off of workers comp for the past year.

5. We live in Chris' parents guesthouse. While we do pay rent, I'm sure you could turn that into some sort of attack.

6. I spent a year of my life (between 18 and 19) as that drunk girl who will do anything and anyone.

7. I even got HPV from it!

8. I stayed in an abusive relationship with a married man for almost a year.

9. In high school, I was diagnosed with several personality disorders. Yup, I was that agnst-ridden cutter wearing all black and writing bad poetry.

10. I grew up in a trailer with my divorce, morbidly obese mother. Go ahead bitch, talk shit about my mom.

Now, hopefully your little pea brain will be able to find something useful out of this. If you're going to talk shit, at least do it with some information behind it.

Learning

2006-02-26T19:05:00.000-08:00

I work as a substitute aide for the handicapped classrooms at my local elementary/middle school, for anyone who is just now catching up. I've been working there for about 2 months now, but up until Friday, I was only working in the classroom with the less severely handicapped kids. These are the kids who can walk, use the bathroom, and eat by themselves, and have some communication skills. The other classroom is, obviously, for the more severe cases, mostly Cerebral Palsy.

Anyway, I finally got called in to work in this second, more severe classroom. I really didn't know what to expect as far as how the classroom operated, but I was prepared for lots of cleaning, some diaper changing, and caring for their basic needs. I don't think anything could have prepared me for the mental and emotional impact these kids had on me. Watching a 13 year old girl try to eat when her hands can barely find her mouth. Wiping that same 13 year old girl after she uses the restroom. Carrying a 10 year old boy with no muscle control to the changing table and trying to manuver his hips so that he can lay down. Watching the highlight of his day as he successfully rolls over onto his back. It left me with... not nightmares, but visions all night long. Pictures of the girl with food on her face, pictures of the boy laying on the changing table, nude and vulnerable. Visions of what their world must be like.

I don't think that I pity them, not at all. For the most part they both seemed to be very happy in their lives and their surroundings. I wasn't disgusted by them, I wasn't scared by them. I'm not sure that there is a word for what I felt after my first day working with these kids, and if there is a word for it, I haven't found it yet. I've dug through my old textbooks and notes from when I took a college class on exceptional children, and that helped alot by helping me to understand their disorders better. I'm still looking for support groups online for parents and caregivers of disabled children, and although I haven't found any yet, I'm sure they're out there.

I know that with some more knowledge this will turn into a wonderful experience, just like the other classroom is. I know that this will become a fullfilling and great thing for me, even a career. I just have to learn more about the children I'm caring for, and myself.

Up and running!

2006-02-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

Ready, Set, Gluegun! is up and running! A special thanks to Rachael for the catchy and fun title! She will get one free month of membership as soon as I have at least one other paying participant! (BTW, Rachael, please email me your mailing address again. I'm sure I've got it here somewhere, but I'll be damned if I know where it is!) Go on over, check it out, and sign up!

I'm definately looking for feedback, so if you see anything that doesn't make sense, or if you think of something that would make it better, don't be afraid to say something! Oh, and link to me dammit!

Crafty fun and a contest!

2006-02-23T14:45:00.000-08:00

So, I'm going to start up a new project blog. I know, I know, just what I need, right? But this is going to be fun! I do need your help though. You see, I really, really suck at making up names. So, here are the rules that I've written up for my new project blog. They should explain what I'm going to do, and what kind of name I'm looking for...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This blog will be holding a monthly crafting project. The rules are as follows:

1. Each month, everyone who enters will receive an identical set of craft materials. This could be some fabric, buttons, ribbon, beads, or anything else that catches my fancy!

2. Once you receive your materials, let your imagination fly! There is no limit to what you can do! You may add anything to the existing materials, but you cannot omit anything that was sent to you. (Of course, you can trim to size, but everything sent to you must be represented!)

3. You may make anything you wish with the materials. The only limit is your imagination! Clothes, picture frames, handbags, doll clothes, scrapbook covers, anything!

4. The cost to join is $20 per month. I’m not in this to make money, but I’m not in it to lose money either. I have to travel about an hour to purchase supplies. Your $20 will go toward travel, materials, and postage. If I find that this is not enough and I’m dipping into my own pocket, I will raise the cost. Hopefully, this will be just right. Any locals who can pick up their supplies will receive a $5 discount.

5. Payment is accepted through PayPal (preferred), personal check or money order. Personal checks must get here in time to allow 7-10 business days to clear. Please see the PayPal button on the sidebar! Please include your name, address, blog URL, and email address in the description part of the PayPal form.

6. I would like to get all materials sent out on the first of the month, so payment must be received by the 15th to give me time to gather supplies. If your check or money order doesn’t arrive in time, I will set it aside for the next months project. I would rather not accept lump sums to cover many months at once, so please bear with my horrible bookkeeping skills and just send payments one month at a time!

7. When you are done with your project, take a picture (Hell, take a few pictures!) and email them to me at burleysgirl@gmail.com . As soon as the pictures come in, I will post them here! At this time I am not offering rewards, but if the project catches on, it may be added in time!

8. Keep in mind that by entering this project, you must give me a mailing address. I promise I’m not a stalker, but you must still use your own judgment when dealing with these crazy internet people! I guarantee that none of your personal information will be sold or given to anyone.

9. If there are any questions, please don’t hesitate to leave me a comment or email!

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See? Doesn't that look like fun? The only rules I'm looking to set on you guys is that it can't link back here. I'm going to tell my family and local friends about it, and I am so not about to give them a direct link here. So no Witchy themes! Whoever picks the best name will recieve one free month of crafty project fun! (The free month will take place on the first month I acctually have orders. I'm not going to give you your very own special month, although I'm sure you will be worth it!) If I can't decide which title I like best, I will hold a tie breaker and ask for votes, majority rules. Ready? Go!

Thursday Thirteen

2006-02-23T08:43:00.000-08:00

Thirteen Things about Samantha
Randomness
1. We are going to the courthouse today to file Chris' divorce! It's only taken 3 years! Whoot!

2. Megan got A-B Honor roll! Whoot!

3. Sara tried to burn the house down Tuesday and is now performing slave labor for the rest of the week. This means that all of the weeds are pulled, the kitchen and bathroom floors are fucking spotless, and the kitchen walls are the color they were intended to be again! Whoot!

4. Yesterday at work, the downs boy I work with learned 4 new signs, and can use the signs for red, help, and ant without prompting! Whoot!

5. My dog is dreaming. That never gets old! I love it!

6. Chris needs to cut more wood for the fireplace because this shitty little floor heater just ain't cutting it!

7. Sara goes away to camp during the last week of March. She is so excited and I am so nervous!

8. I'm getting pretty decent at my sewing machine, and my sister and I plan to set up a booth to sell stuff at next years fair!

9. I'm thinking of setting up a craft blog... details to come later.

10. With the wonderful advise of some wise bitches, I have decided to get a simulated diamond engagement ring as soon as we have an extra $100 bucks or so. I'm very excited! I currently wear a beautiful onyx ring that he got me, but I want something sparkly for my wedding!

11. The olympics are really screwing with my TV lineup. I'm really getting pissy about it.

12. I got a new video game from my dear friend Jade last night, along with a beautiful new scarf that she made herself! Expect me to be playing Harvest Moon instead of blogging for a while!

13. According to the town gossip, Chris is now a drug dealer! How fun is that! His neice goes to the continuation school down the street, and her and her freinds come by several times a week to hang out while they wait for the bus. Well, now we're selling them pot! Whoopie!

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. Erin
2. Uisce
3. Keb
4. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Ta-Da!!!

2006-02-22T20:58:00.000-08:00

Well, in leu of a real post tonight (because I've got nothing interesting to say, not because I'm hiding!), I switched up the template a bit. I haven't gotten rid of the old one, just changing things around a little bit. I would like to send out a HUGE thank you to Caz for all of the so-cool and so-easy free templates!

And yes, I've also added word verification. I know it sucks, I probably hate it more than you do since I'm somewhat dyslexic, but I need to see if it will slow down the spam at all. It's really starting to piss me off.

I also added a "rules" page that I stuffed in the archives and linked to in my new sidebar. I kinda like it... ;)

Small glimmers of hope and some negative thinking

2006-02-21T19:28:00.000-08:00

A few things have gotten better on the house front. Chris' parents now say that they will pay us back the purchase price for the stove, dishwasher, and water heater that we installed. They're also going to try to convince the buyer (if it sells) to keep renting to us at our current rent if Chris keeps up the yard. This would include mowing all 4 lawns and trimming the 10-15 trees on the property, all of which he already does. This gives us a little bit of hope, but it still doesn't solve our problems or take away our worries.

Now, this is just venting, so please don't take it seriously. I would never do this willingly, and neither would Chris. But, I would be lying if I said that I'd never fantasized about what our lives would be like if we just sold everything, dropped off the girls with Kathy, and drove until we ran out of gas. We've both talked about it as one of those "it wouldn't be so bad if..." things. I would never hope that we get stuck with that, but it feels good putting the thought down on paper. (Well, not paper, but you know.) It's kind of like when Chris was facing a terrorist threat charge a couple years ago, right before I started the blog. The charges were totally bogus, but at the time we didn't know if we could get him out of it or not, and if convicted, he was facing up to 2 years. Of course I hoped that we got it straightened out with all of my heart (which we did), but I couldn't help but fantasize about what it would be like if I were to live by myself for a year, doing nothing but saving so that when he got out we could run away with no more responsibilities, since we'd never get the girls back anyway.

I don't know, those are awful things to be thinking, and please believe me when I say that I would never hope for that, but when you're worried sick about something to the point of physical illness, I guess it's a natural defense mechanism to find the good in the worst case scenario.

Life in a homeless shelter?

2006-02-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

Remember those bad days I was talking about before? The ones that I would normally not talk about? Well, here comes some mental unloading.

I have no idea where we will be living in the next 3-4 months. We could still be living here, under Chris’ parents guesthouse roof. We could also be living in our van, with the girls in their moms home for good. I should go into a bit of background first though. We live in Chris’ parents guest house on the same property as their home. We pay $400 a month in rent, which was the going rate when we moved in. We pay all of our own bills by ourselves. In six years, we have never borrowed a single dime from them nor have we asked a single favor. We don’t even ask them to baby-sit because they bitch about it, even though they have raised Chris’ nephew since he was a newborn. Chris does all of the repairs for both homes for free, including putting a new roof on both homes, installing insulation in both homes, repainting both homes several times inside and out, and caring for the 1 ½ acres of property. We have never received payment for any of this, most of the time he doesn’t even get a thank you.

Now they have decided to sell the house again. They have tried this in the past without success, but this time they have lowered the price for a quick sale. The first time they tried, they offered to buy us a double wide mobile home outright if we leave the new appliances we bought for the house. Soon after that, they changed that to a down payment. Now they have offered to give us first, last and security on a rental, and we must leave the appliances. When we explained to them that we can’t possibly afford a comparable rental at the going rate now. Chris is unable of working full time. I’m doing everything possible to work as much as I can while I look for another job.

They said they were “sorry that this is happening to you guys.”

If the house sells, I have no idea where we will go. These houses have been promised to Chris since he was a boy, and promised again when he moved back home to help after his dad had his heart attacks. When Chris moved home 10 years ago, he was promised a rent free existence. That lasted less than 30 days. If we are kicked out and left to our own vices, we will be homeless until our income changes drastically. They are using the defense that renters get evicted all the time, but we don’t have a landlord-tenant relationship with them. If we were normal renters, we would have gotten paid for the improvements we’ve made on the house. If we were normal renters we wouldn’t have our landlords walking through our door at all hours of the day and night for no reason at all. If we were normal renters getting kicked out wouldn’t hurt so much.

I WUV internet dwama!

2006-02-20T08:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, first of all, go check out my new renter! (I know, I'm totally inconsistent about introducing them... I'm sorry) The lovely Miss Ann Thrope is so completely awesome, your day will simply not be the same if you don't get to know her. So go! Click!

Anyway, yesterday was filled with my very favorite thing. Internet drama! I'll do a quick summary for you, but for the real experience, you should totally click the links and catch up! This shit is great! To get the whole story, read the comments. I know they're long, but this is so worth it!

First, back in February, some plastic chic submitted her site for review at I talk 2 much and got beat down. I won't even comment on how shallow this woman is, if she wants plastic surgery, then that's her right. This is America, after all. Whatever.

The part of this story that got to me was when she posted a whole bunch of comments that the regulars at it2m made after the review, claiming that she found them on various peoples "personal blogs." She got tons of sympathy from her regular readers, who rightfully saw her as a total victim, being harrassed by random people for no reason. Shit, I would have felt horrible for her if I hadn't known the truth. She asked for the damn review. Anyone who has read on it2m for more than 3 minutes knows that you should not submit your site if you are thin skinned. They can get pretty mean, and if you can't handle that, you shouldn't submit. But, not only did she submit her site, she took the comments THAT SHE ASKED FOR and claimed they were made all over the blogosphere without any reason.

Well, a few of us (the Bitches and the regulars) commented on her blog and called her on her lie. She deleted our comments claiming that she didn't want to submit her readers to the hate that lies in that site. *BULLSHIT* She didn't want her wonderful readers to find out she is a lying sack of shit. She eventually deleted her whole blog, and when someone found her other one, she put password protection on it. She is afraid of her readers finding out that she lied to them.

Then, this morning, she puts up a post saying that she is being stalked and her family is in danger. Another cry for attention and sympathy from her unaware readers. She is a lying sack of shit, and any of her readers who do a technorati search looking for the meanie poo-poo heads who stalked and harrassed her will now come here and find out the true story. Now, I don't want her to get bombarded by any more random people, but there is a reason for all of these links. I want her readers to find this. They were lied to. They had their emotions toyed with. I am totally tempted to email each and every one of them, but I think that's a bit over the top. So, I'll just publish her email address here so that if any of her readers do find this, they can tell her what a lying sack of shit she is.

KeshiaTSmith@aol.com is her email address. I know that publishing an email address that contains her name is pretty irresponsible, but she handed it out to the people at it2m and she posted it on her site, giving it to her readers and her "stalkers," so she must not be too scared.

EDIT: She has since deleted her blog completely, and "someone" (no, not me!) took over the url. Her site was not hacked, she deleted it. Now the truth is there for all of her readers to see.

Just fucking great.

2006-02-17T06:57:00.000-08:00

I live in a very small community. I don't know the population because I suck at remembering numbers like that, but trust me, it's very small. There are 7 small towns scattered around a lake in a valley in the southern sierra nevada mountains, and together, these towns make "the valley." As in any other small community, everyone knows everyone, and the rumor mill is bigger than the towns themselves. This means that when something big happens, it spreads quickly with or without the help of the local paper or regional media.

This is happening now. We have a serial killer in our mist. The newspaper and reigional media is not covering this. There is some guy following women home at night and killing them. With four of them, he smashed his (stolen) car into the drivers door of their cars, trapping them. After they are banged up and trapped, he goes to the passenger side and kills them. Only one of the five have gotten away, and he followed her home and killed her and her husband. I don't know any of the victims as far as I know. Like I said, this is being spread by word of mouth so the details could be incorrect, but this is fucking serious!

I realize that the media has to be careful when spreading information like this due to copycats, but fuck! This weekend is the biggest weekend this town has all year. It is our town fair, and people litterally come from all over the world to be here. There will be people driving all over the valley at all hours of the night, and the police and media have done nothing to warn them! Does anyone have a logical explination for this? Not only am I now scared shitless, I'm pissed too! I'll be calling the girls mom tonight to make sure she knows so she doesn't have the girls out on the road after dark. I'll be carrying multiple knives with me, but I don't know his weapon of choice so this could be futile. I won't be driving after the sun sets at all.

Shit, this used to be such a quiet little town.

Thursday Thirteen

2006-02-16T19:21:00.000-08:00

Thirteen Things about Samantha

Thirteen Things I am trying to accomplish!

1. Find a job with better hours.
I'm working tomorow, and I will have anywhere between 1-2 weeks next month!

2. Be more patient and spend more quality time with the girls.

3. Have more sex. Definately need more sex.

4. Catch up on laundry again.

5. Have a bitchin time at the town fair this weekend, even though the weather will suck, as it does every year.

6. ~~Quit Smoking~~ Smoke more.

7. Get to bed before 10pm.

8. Take Sunday as a mental health day. No responsibilities except laying on the couch in my pajamas and eat ice cream.

9. Work on my sewing machine more so that I can get to a point that I can make handbags that will acctually sell.

10. Take more pictures. Developing gets expensive, but nothing beats the rush of picking up a roll of film with a handfull of great pictures on it.

11. NOT buy another 6 pack of root beer when this one is gone so I'll get back to drinking more water.

12. Remember to drop off the insurance bill tomorow so it's not late.

13. Keep up with this Thursday 13 thing.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

C'mon, You know you want to!

2006-02-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

I thank Steve for this game.

Thank you's, new resolve, and Johari's

2006-02-15T20:32:00.000-08:00

Words truly cannot express how much you all mean to me. The words of love and caring that I've recieved in the last 48 hours take my breath away. I keep going back and rereading the wonderfully kind words that everyone has taken the time to write to me. I've been close to tears several times, and I'm there again.

I've decided to keep the blog and the comments, though there may be posts that have comments disabled. I also think I'll take away the haloscan comments and go strictly with blogger, even though they are down from time to time. I've been getting alot of comment spam scattered all over the blog, and it's really starting to piss me off to no extent. So yeah, I'm going to buckle and do the word verification thing that I HATE too. So, unless I hear any major protests in the next few days, I'm going to do that.

I'm also going to start being more honest here. I worry so much about my readers; will I lose them if I whine too much? Will they lose interest if I stop trying so hard to make this a place for others? Do they really care? After what I recieved today and yesterday, I realized that none of that matters. The ones who care will still be here, and the ones who don't would have split sooner or later anyway. So, when I'm pissed at the world or feel like curling up in a ball, I'll write about it if the mood strikes. I'm also going to take some pressure off of myself to post everyday. I'll still try, but I won't beat myself up if I miss a night here or there.

Now, on to other things. The Odd Wife has posted a neat thingie. It's called a Johari Window, and basically it's a way for me to see how others see me, compared to how I see myself. Now, I want everyone to be truly honest here, even if you see something that could be considered negative (there aren't many, but you'll see), I want you to be honest. So far it's been really insightful and has helped me alot. So go, tell me!

Frustrations, Part 2

2006-02-14T18:19:00.000-08:00

This is the second of a two part post. If you missed the last one, please go here and catch up. The flow of writing was uninterrupted when I wrote this down, so it’s really important to read them in order. I’ll wait.

I also feel under pressure to keep a certain content quality to this blog. I feel like I have a reputation to uphold, and that my readers expect a certain feel to my posts. I need to appear confident, quick, and a little bit snarky, while in real life, I’m really not any of these things. I try to be, and I strive to be more confident in my social life, but I’m really just lost and scared shitless. Does this mean I’ve been lying to you? No, not at all. But I’m not always totally honest about how I’m feeling either. Some days, I just curl up and cry all day long, but I’ll put on a smiling face for my blog just like I would for an unexpected houseguest. Slip into the bathroom, splash some cold water on my face, and come out smiling. This is not what this blog was for.

This blog was supposed to be a place for me to log my feelings. To be honest with myself the way I used to be honest with my paper diaries when I was younger. This blog was supposed to be an outlet for me to log what was going through my head. Be it pleasant or painful to remember stories from my past, or simply what happened during the day, good and bad. It all started when I had the urge to vent about Chris. We’ve been together for almost 6 years now, and sometimes he just pisses me off to no extent. I don’t have anyone to vent to about this. I don’t have any real life friends because I’m so socially uncomfortable I should probably be medicated. I don’t share these things with my blog because I don’t want people to judge Chris the way girls judge each others husbands based on the bad things, when the good things are so much more important. When I say that Chris blew up at the girls and it bothered me, I don’t want people telling me how horrible he is and that I should leave him.

Well, this sort of thing slowly ended up bleeding into other things too. When I find myself having a bad day, I don’t want to write about it here because I don’t want a dozen comments from people feeling sorry for me or worrying about me. When I have the urge to self harm (which I haven’t done in over 7 years and I’m not about to start again) I don’t want people worrying about me. When I’m pissed off at the world, I don’t want people telling me I’m wrong. I don’t want validation for my feelings, I just want to get them out of myself. I want to put them down in writing so I can let go of them, let them die in a way that is healthy for my mental health.

Now, what is the solution? I’ve thought about opening another, totally anonymous blog, but I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t keep up on both. I’ve thought about changing this blog back to what it was originally meant to be, but taking away comments. I’ve thought about changing this blog, but leaving comments. I’ve thought about going back to a paper diary. I’ve thought about throwing my hands in the air and letting all of it go. I’ve thought about closing this blog for good, and going to a strictly anonymous blog that I wouldn’t tell anyone but a very select few about. I don’t know what I want, but this time, I’m open to opinions. What do you, my readers, think I should do? I don’t want this to turn into one of those angst-ridden blogs of the depressed Mommy, whining about everything while she has nothing to whine about. I don’t want to abandon my readers. I don’t want to set any expectations. I just want to be ME without worrying what other people will think.

And I have no idea how to do that.

Frustrations

2006-02-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

This turned into a huge ass post, so I will lay it down in two sections. Here is the first:

I’ve spent the past few days really thinking about this blog and this hiatus. In the past few months, I have been one big ball of frustration. We have seriously outgrown our two bedroom cabin-style home, and trying to keep it clean is a serious source of frustration. Even when it is cleaned spotless, everything in it’s place, it still feels closed in and cluttered simply because we have too much stuff. I am frustrated about work as well. I finally have the job of my dreams, but I’m only averaging about 12 hours a month. This won’t even keep the rent paid by a long shot. We have enough money saved up to keep the bills paid and the toilet paper flowing for about 2 more months. After that, I don’t know what will happen. I am applying to become an in home care provider at the end of this month, but like any other government job, there will be miles of red tape before I make any money at all.

I’m also frustrated because I feel like I should be able to work from home. I love to write, but I can’t find the motivation or the inspiration to start any real projects. I’m fast learning to sew, but I can’t for the life of me think of anything I could make to sell. I’ve applied for several online jobs, but so has everyone else on the planet. I need a hobby, and one that makes a small amount of money would be even better. I feel like there are a million untapped money making ideas out there, but they are all just out of my grasp.

And don’t think for a second that I consider myself above a “normal” job, as a waitress or a sales clerk, or even flipping burgers. I would jump at any of these minimum wage jobs if one came available to me. But, I have limitations. I can’t take on any job that requires constant or repetitive use of my hands. Even if I were to bite the bullet, work through the pain and live on ice packs and pain killers, I would be sued for about $50,000, the amount of money workers comp has spent on me. This is simply not worth the risk.

Now, to top it all off, our landlords (Chris’ parents) are trying to sell the houses again. (We rent their guesthouse, on the same piece of property as their main house.) If it sells, they have offered to give us money to get into a new place. This would be first, last, and security deposit. Nice gesture, but the fact of the matter is that we can’t afford the price that rentals are going for now. When we moved in, the going price for a house like this was $400 a month. Now anything similar is in the $700 range. Until I get into a permanent, well paying job, this is impossible. We also can’t get a home loan unless we can prove income, no matter how much equity we have in our credit cards.

This blog has also become a source of frustration for me. I check my statcounter every day. I check several times per day for comments. I read and comment on other blogs to keep the communication going and to keep my blogging buddies from forgetting about me. I’m paranoid about the friends I’ve made here. Are they just here to increase their traffic, or do they really care? Are the ones I consider friends really my friends?

Tonight or tomorrow morning, the point.

About Love

2006-02-13T12:15:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm still considering myself on hiatus, but I'm entering a writing contest over at Mystical Incense and More. The post concerning the contest can be found here. I don't have a title for this piece, but the requirements are to write something about love. So, here ya go. This is the story of Chris and I, written in present tense through the first person. Any and all comments/critiques/questions are more than welcome.

I walk into their home, seeking the comfort that only he can give me. I see her, and wonder why the love between us had to die. Together, the three of us could do anything. We had love. But, alas, she became cold toward me, and we no longer had what we once felt so sure of.

I still have his love though, and she is powerless to stop it. But she still controls him as his wife, and I sleep alone. I live for these evenings, when she takes her bubble bath alone and the two of us can live inside each other for a short time. How is it possible that time can stop when I’m in his arms, yet as soon as it’s over, it feels as though that time was stolen from me, as if it never existed at all? Still, knowing that it will be gone soon, I breathe him, I feel him, I melt into him.

Now I’m back home. It’s so cold and empty here. I play with my dog, my only companion in the night, and I light a candle to give the illusion of warmth and beauty somewhere in my life. When I tire of trying to cry away the pain, I crawl into my bed and wish for a fast night. Tomorrow I will go to work, and the minutes will crawl by at a snails pace, waiting for evening to come again. Waiting for the moment I can touch him, feel him, be him again.

A year has passed and I am still so cold at night. The hatred between them has become a cement wall, yet they hang on. “For the kids” they say. I see the kids becoming more and more distant as they tire of hearing Mommy and Daddy fight, of watching them attack each other. I try to be there for them, to comfort them when the walls rattle with thrown cookware, but nothing can hide them from the truth; life would be better if they split.

Even though we have lived this way for a year, the fire that erupts when I am with him has not faded. When we hold each other, we become one being made of love. Our limbs entwined become one creature, one mass of passion and longing. When we part, I lay in a cold bed, wishing that just the memory of his skin would warm the night. Sometimes it works. Most of the time I cry instead.

Finally the rapture has arrived. She has cheated, lied, laid with another man without permission. Why would she be so ignorant? I don’t care. She knows that she can lay with whomever she wishes, as long as she is honest about it. I cry with joy at her unfaithfulness. It’s over. I will never lay in a cold bed again. I have him, all of him. We don’t have to hide our love from the world anymore. We can hold each other whenever, and wherever we feel the need. She still tries to interrupt our love, but the Gods themselves could not stop my heart from beating with his now. It will take a lot of work, but we will live our lives without her interference.

Almost four years have gone by now, and we still live as one. One heart beating, one soul living, one family, doing it’s best. We have our problems, just as any other couple does. But we work through them and learn from them. Nothing can stop us, not finances, not worldly stresses, not ex-wives or in-laws, not the world itself. When some situation kicks us down, we help each other back up. Is our relationship perfect? Of course not, no ones is. But we live through it together.

Finally, my bed is warm.

Another Damn Hiatus

2006-02-07T18:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, three tries in a row I've tried to post, and some random thing has stopped me. I'm getting very frustrated very easily lately, and I think it's time for me to step back for a little while. I hate people who make promises they can't keep, so I'm going to stop promising that I'll post. I'm going to take a small hiatus again. I'm thinking maybe a week or two. I love you guys, and I'll still be reading blogs and answering emails, but I'm not going to post for a while until I get my head on straight.

Blegh!

2006-02-06T18:14:00.000-08:00

Ok, since Blogger decided to be an asshole and eat my really cool bitchy post, and it seems that they are going to be down AGAIN in about 40 minutes, I'm thinking that I shouldn't try too hard. I'll work on a post for tomorow and save it myself.

So yeah, back to your regularly scheduled bitching tomorow.

WTF???

2006-02-05T14:19:00.000-08:00

I made a really nice ranty post on Friday night, and now it's gone! Is this a blogger bug? I'm really pissed now!

Hungry?

2006-02-01T17:27:00.000-08:00

So I've been working the past couple of days, and a post over at Rachaels place really hit home with some of the things I've seen at my public school. The lunches. Oh. My. God. The lunches. Yesterday, the kids had a choice between chili and nachos for lunch. Now first of all, is this not the picture of nutrition? Chili or nachos? Oh, but they threw in some fruit coctail, so that makes it healthy, right? But the menu isn't even the worst of it. The chili was black. Yes, black. I didn't even taste it. The nachos were even worse. It looked like they browned some hamburger, then dumped it, grease and all, into some oily cheese food product, and heated it until it was melted. There was more grease and oil than there was cheese. This I acctually tasted, and if it's possible, it tasted worse than it looked.

For breakfast? A "breakfast" corn dog. It was what appeared to be a year old sausage dipped in pancake batter on a stick. Our Downs child woudn't have eaten anything yesterday if we didn't keep snacks in the classroom. The mainstream kids threw away almost all of their lunches. It looked like they were hungry enough to taste everything, but changed their minds afterwards.

The worst part? Two years ago a new healthy eating campaign was adopted at our school. We got flyers all year about how the cafeteria will start serving healthy and well balanced lunches from now on. So, a scoop of black chili, some fruit coctail and a milk is a healthy, well balanced lunch now? And yes, adults pay 2 1/2 times the amount of money if they want to eat this crap. Kids pay $1, adults pay $2.50. Same crap, same portions, almost triple the price. How are kids supposed to learn on stomachs that have been contaminated by this crap?

Of high school sweethearts and farm fresh eggs.

2006-01-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

So, I'm in a bit of a moral dillema. Well, it may not be an actual moral dillema, but it's really messing with my head. I'm a substitute aide now, right? So, that means that I only work when someone else calls in sick. Now, I love my job, and I am dying for more hours, but is it wrong of me to hope that someone gets sick so I can go to work? Isn't that like, bad or something? I mean, am I going to get some horrible karmic consequences for wishing someone ill to better my career? Should I hope that I don't work?

Should I just wish for someone to decide to move to New York with their old high school sweetheart so I can take their job? That would be ok, right? That way they willingly gave up their job to persue their own happiness. Kind of like the whole "No bird feathers unless the bird gave them up on it's own" thing. Or the "No eggs unless the chicken is on an actual farm instead of a one foot square box with it's legs mutated off" thing.

Blogger Olympics: Over!

2006-01-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

Well, the Blogging Olympics are over! Yours truly recieved 5 siver metals and 1 gold, with an overall silver metal! (Stay tuned for proof in the sidebar) I had alot of fun, and did better than I expected to! Everyone go on over to Barbaras place and congratulate the participants and especially the winners!

The top gold metal is being shared by two wonderful bloggers this year. Running2Ks is a SAHM, vegan, unschooling mother of 2. Wow, what a mouthful! Honestly, I have so much respect for those who choose to unschool. I'm really hoping to do this with our hypothetical third child. The only reason (excuse?) that I haven't pulled the girls out of school is that they are already above my knowledge in math. Yes, a fifth grader is now bringing home math that I can't help her with. I realize that the whole concept of homeschooling is to let the children truly learn at their own pace instead of shoving information down their throat like peas, but I hate to see them lose the mathematical learning they already have.

Anyway, go on over and congratulate Running2ks. She definately deserves a metal!

Uisce is the other gold winner, and he is one very cool guy. I just get all squishy and happy when I see a male blogger who does a good job of it. Living with a functioning illiterate man, it's so easy for me to forget that he is not the norm. That there are men out there who are not only literate, but damn good at it! Listen to this quote: "Pinch me, I must be dreaming! No, pinch me harder!" Squeeee! A man after my own heart! Go on over there and send him some love! Oh, and check out his killer template. It's freaking awesome!

2006 book list

2006-01-27T22:16:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is. My reading list from 2006. I know you have just been sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for it, right? As before, I'm going to add a link on the sidebar so everyone can keep up, but this year I'm acctually going to try to give some brief oppinions on the books! I will also provide a link to the Amazon page, but I'm not going to go with the ads because, well, they suck. Anyone willing to place bets on whether or not I keep it up? Reading the books is a joy, and comes so natuarally. Reporting on them is something that I have a hard time keeping up on. But anyway, here goes nothing!

1. Sex For One, by Betty Dodson, PhD. This is a wonderful book for anyone who is unsure or has some icky feelings about the art of masturbation. Her writing style is more like an open conversation than a text. This one is very highly reccomended for anyone, in a relationship or not, who could use a little more solo action.

2. The Container Specialist, by David Squire. Eh, not an incredibly helpful book to me. There are helpful ideas if you already know about gardening and the plants you hope to grow, but not a whole lot of help for the true beginner. Nice layout ideas though, but not much else.

3. A Child Called "It", by David Pelzer. Wow. I mean holy shit. This is an amazing story of human survival. Not suffering. Survival. The shit that this little boy went through would have killed a grown man, yet he survived. Rarely do we get the perspective of the child who is acctually the victim of abuse, and it's even more rare to get it in this type of detail and with this amount of passion. Extremely highly reccomended.

4. The Lost Boy, by David Pelzer. Again, wow. This is the second book to this trilogy, and it covers his adolesence from "The Rescue" through his 18th year. This is the story of growing up with no social skills, foster homes, peer humiliations, and again, survival. Again, highly reccomended. This one acctually had me crying harder than the first.

5. A Man Named Dave, by David Pelzer. A wonderful finish to this series. This man is proof that the human soul can survive hell and come out stonger and happier than many of those who led a privilaged and safe existence. His struggles didn't end when he left his mothers home, they didn't end when he left the foster system, and they didn't end when he entered into adulthood. Yet he drove on, he put that one foot in front of the other. The love for his son and the forgivness he granted to his disturbed mother sustained him. This trilogy is highly reccomended.

6. Weaveworld by Clive Barker. My bestest friend Robin sent me this book, introducing me to Clive Barker. While I'm not normally a huge fan of fantasy, this book hooked me! It really doesn't fit into fantasy or horror, but is a mixture of the two. Though it is a bit long, it doesn't bore the reader at all. I found myself looking at how much more there was to the book, and hoping that it didn't drag on to fill the pages, and I wasn't dissapointed. An entire world is woven into a beautiful and mesmerizing rug, holding a lost civilazaion of people and everything that their world once held. This book takes you through this strange, ancient world, to it's unweaving, and what appears to be it's downfall. Not a single dissapointment on any page.

7. Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. I've been waiting to read this book for years, as the movie is one of my all time favorites. This will become one of the books that I read over and over again. The only complaint I could possibly have is that it was too short, I would have loved to know more about her, about her time, about her illness and her insights. This is the story of a woman who really KNOWS herself and understands how things work. Highly reccomended for a weekend read!

8. P. S. You're not listening by Eleanor Craig. A re-read for me, but several years ago. I'll wait until I'm finished again for my review.

Seeking employment

2006-01-26T20:24:00.000-08:00

Once again, sorry I didn't post yesterday. I really do feel guilty about it when I miss a day. It's not like I've got this huge readership here or anything, but I feel like the ones who do read here are wasting their time when they come and there's no update. So, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?

I'm getting really frustrated/worried about my job status right now. I LOVE my job at the school, and I really really don't want to give it up. No, I refuse to give it up. But I've been on the sub list for almost a month now, and I've been called in once. This will not pay the bills, and the leftover money from my settlement will only support us for 3 or 4 months. Chris' business will start picking back up in spring, and he applied for a job today driving for Meals on Wheels, so that will help if he gets it, but I really need an after school job.

This normally wouldn't be too hard for me. I've never had trouble getting a job. I know how to talk to employers, I know how to read people to find out what they're looking for. The longest amount of time I've been unemployed since I was 16(besides my workers comp leave, of course) was 3 weeks, and honestly, I wasn't looking very hard. I had savings and I was enjoying the vacation. But now I need a job that not only leaves me available for my substitue job, but that doesn't require me to use my hands constantly. Even if I were to grin and bear the pain, workers comp would sue my ass faster than I could earn my first check if I did that. This summer, I can go ahead and work under the table as a maid in a motel, but that won't help me while I need mornings open, and I won't be physically able to do that for long anyway.

What I really need is to figure out this whole "working from home" thing that I hear people talking about. I applied back when Blog Explosion was hiring, but I never heard from them afterwards. I'm even registered as a secret shopper, but living in such a secluded area means that there haven't been any jobs open in the past 4 months that I've been checking. That SMC crap doesn't sell, I've seen too many people fall on their faces after signing up. I've tried the ebay thing too, but that never turned any decent profit. Besides that, I'm lost. I can totally sit at the computer for a few hours a day working on the computer, on the phone would be even better.

Any ideas? Suggestions? Words of experience or wisdom? I guess I'll figure something out, or you'll see me blogging from the library in a few months after the lights go out!

I'm in love with Mary Jane

2006-01-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

How the hell did this:

Turn into this?

This is my baby, my Mary Jane. She's 6 years old now, and she still eats cigarettes and barks at the clouds. She's half pitt bull, which has me treasuring every day with her. Pitt's only have a life expectancy of about 6-7 years, so I'm hoping she takes after her mom and lives to be 14, but someday I'll have to face the facts that my baby is an old woman. She's not showing signs of an old dog yet, just a "mature" one. She likes to sleep more and more, she only fetches her shoe two or three times before wearing out, and she even gets along with the cats. She's still got her puppy traits though, she loves kisses, she chases birds like crazy, and she is obsessed with getting in peoples laps, even though she knows she's not supposed to.

I don't know what I'll do when she finally turns that corner into "old dog." She was my first dog, the only good thing that came out of my relationship with my ex. She was a horrible puppy, getting into every damn thing. Her famous ones were the gorilla glue and the time she ate a hole through the bathroom wall. She has always loved cigarettes too. We couldn't keep them high enough, she always managed to get to them and eat all of the butts off. She loves pot too. Whenever we have some in the house, she recognises the smell immediately and begs for a hit. (Don't even tell me how bad that is. Seriously.)

She's great with the kids, though we don't allow neighborhood kids in her yard just because she has a tendancy to jump and knock them over. She's never hurt a single living thing, including the cats she used to love chasing. One time, she acctually got one under her paws, and she cried like a baby while she ran away from it, completely shocked at what had happened. She doesn't beg for food too much, because she knows that as long as she stays in her bed and behaves herself, I usually give her the last bite on my plate.

She had one litter of puppies before I got her fixed. She ended up having 7 of the damn things, showing that she does take after her mothers side on at least some things. She ended up getting an infection when they were about 3 weeks old though, and her milk dried up. I weaned the little hellions for her, and as soon as she was on the road to recovery, she tried to start nursing again. She was a great mommy.

So yes, I'm in love with Mary Jane.